Why is it so hard to ask for help?
In Episode 02 of the podcast, Lindsey Hamilton, who is the Head of Mental Conditioning at IMG Academy discussed that the most successful young athletes demonstrate the skill of resourcefulness. Being resourceful means not only knowing where to find a resource, but knowing how to ask for help from that resource. Link to full Episode 02: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-freshman-foundation-podcast/id1554156653?i=1000509706880
Asking for help is hard. Many people - adults and young people alike - don’t like to ask for help because it requires vulnerability. We don’t want to seem weak or incompetent to our coaches, partners, and families. However, the most successful performers in sport and life, know where to get help and how to get it.
In Episode 50, I will explore why it’s so hard to ask for help. My own experience has been that trying to navigate challenging life transitions alone often leads to pain and suboptimal outcomes.
Stanford researchers has found that children as young as seven years old identify asking for help in front of others as a sign of incompetence.
Link to Scientific American article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-kids-are-afraid-to-ask-for-help/
Vulnerability by Bruk et al. (2018) as “an authentic and intentional willingness to be open to uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure in social situations in spite of fears” (p. 192).
Vulnerability requires that an individual is taking action of their own volition, having the option to take an emotional risk or not (Bruk et al.) Asking a coach or a teammate for help getting better at their sport might be an example of demonstrating vulnerability in this context.
“One immediate benefit of self-disclosure is more enjoyment of social interactions” (Bruk et al., p. 193).
Self-disclosure often results in better mental health - and thus, better performance (Bruk et al).
“When revealing personal information, individuals are prone to worry about negative evaluations, rejection, alienating the other person, losing self-esteem and control over the situation, or giving the other person information that could be used against them” (Bruk et al, p. 193).
General fear of a negative evaluation of others (i.e., fear of being judged).
Link to full article by Bruk and colleagues: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-34832-002
What are the 3 simple things I want you to take away from this episode?
References
Bruk, A., Scholl, S.G., & Bless H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self-other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192-205.
00:01.41
mvhuber
Hey, everyone thanks for listening to the freshman foundation podcast. It's Mike ah, thanks for coming back if you've been listening thanks for joining us if you're new to the podcast. Um I'm going to consider this or or call us a special episode. It's. Fiftieth full episode. So a milestone that I'm pretty proud of and um I'm treating it in a special way. Um I don't like to do solo episodes in general I don't think it's particularly interesting to hear 1 person talk um singularly without. Ah, guest or conversation. But I'm going to do this one solo because it's our fiftieth episode and then I want to talk about something that's really, um, important to me in my professional work as well as in my personal experience and that's the topic of asking for help. Um, it's something I think about quite a bit you know why? it's so hard for the young people that I work with ah in my practice to ask others for help why it's so hard for just everyday people non athletes adults like myself. In our personal lives to ask for help. Um, and and I think it's a really important topic because it sort of it does speak to um the tone and tenor of what's going on in the world from a mental health perspective I think there's.
01:31.97
mvhuber
You know rightly so a much more open dialogue about mental Health in ah our country now I think it's more becoming more normalized and acceptable to talk about mental Health struggles. But at the same time I think it's frankly Against. Human nature to ask for help and I'll start by framing that from a biological perspective. Um, and I I talk to my athletes about this when I'm talking to them about performance challenges and how to deal with the mental side of their sport which is to say our brains are wired. To ah detect fear or threat right? And so the part of our brain the am the amygdala which is sort of a walnut size Gland in the brain um detects threat at a very very sent in a very sensitive Way. It's much more ah powerful than the other. Parts of our brain including the the parts of our brain that um do the reasoning the executive functioning and so whenever something you know is is perceived to be a threat ah the alarm bells go off in the brain quite a bit and so I say that in that I say that or. I Say that to say that ah that asking for help sort of triggers that alarm because there may be a fear of you know, asking for help or being vulnerable or showing weakness or whatever those things are right showing vulnerability in a way that.
03:06.20
mvhuber
We think others are going to judge us and maybe hold you know the fact that we're asking for help and we're admitting that maybe we can't do something on on our own against us and and so I think it's important to frame it that way and just ah I wouldn't be doing my job as ah, a sports psychology professional. Um, without ah citing some evidence just to sort of frame this a little bit further. So um, there are a couple of things that I looked at before recording this episode because I wanted to be prepared but 1 study out of Stanford University has found that children. As young as 7 years old identify asking for help in front of other people as a sign of incompetence. So even at that young age and that stage of innocence. There's still some level of shame in asking for help and not being able to do something on your own. Um. And's I think that's really important right? If that's if we're that young in our lives that we don't feel like we can ask others for help. Um, then? what's it going to be as we get older and we learn that behavior and it's reinforced over time right? So when we get into adulthood and we've always been ashamed of or fearful of asking for help because. We don't want to look bad or we're always going to try to do things on our own ah as much as possible, right? unless we get to the point where we're just so tapped out that we we have no other choice or we choose another option. That's really very dire. Um, and maybe we'll talk about that as we go on but you know a big part of that is is.
04:38.75
mvhuber
Is the willingness to be vulnerable right? and I think there's some misconceptions around vulnerability. Um, and what that means and what that looks like so again to sort of go back to the research you know I was looking at one study. Um I Want to get the research's name right here. It's a Brooke B R U k. And colleagues in 2018 defined vulnerability as an authentic and intentional willingness to be open to uncertainty risk and emotional exposure in social situations in spite of fears right? and so that doesn't necessarily mean like reflexively breaking down and starting to Cry. It doesn't mean um. You know it doesn't mean like oversharing to get someone to manipulate someone or it means like they're genuinely coming to somebody and asking for help knowing that you know not knowing what's going to be on the other side of it right? So It's a very very um, a very important distinction right? So vulnerability in in the context of Sports psychology. Um, I would say is going to ask a coach for help or feedback right? So looking at it that way and this is something I talk to athletes about all the time is when we go to a coach and we ask for help. We don't want to be. We don't want it to be held against us right? We don't look like we know what we're Doing. We don't. Want to look like we're vulnerable. We We just would rather kind of sweep it under the rug. Maybe we We don't want to hear what a coach has to say for real and I think that that is something that if we're talking about the topic or the general theme of this podcast which is athlete transitions right.
06:14.50
mvhuber
Elevating through the athletic ranks you know from stage to stage to stage right? not asking not being able to ask for help from your coaches and trying to do everything on your own is going to have a greater consequence as you elevate through the ranks if you go from high school to college and you become. Ah, you know an average sized fish in in a big pond versus a big fish in a small pond in high school and and you're not willing to ask for help. Well then you're just probably going to sort of get pushed to the side or you're just going to sort of be treading water rather than really trying to get ahead and when I've talked to athletes about asking for help or. Having a conversation with a coach. You know it makes them really nervous. But when I when I asked them the question of like what do you think it would look like to have that conversation. They sort of think about it in a different way and they say you know what? like I probably could have that conversation right? and so having the. Willingness to give themselves permission or maybe get it with a little bit of help from me or somebody else like me ah is a big step forward and then when they go into have the conversation with their coaches. You know, understanding wanting to understand the reasoning behind the decision or understand where they you know they fit into the pecking order or ah, you know. What they need to do to get better every time they come out of those conversations. It's almost universal that you know the response is well I don't necessarily like what I heard but I feel relief and so like being able to feel that relief in and of itself is valuable because now I don't have to.
07:50.81
mvhuber
Like wonder like what is my coach thinking like you know what do I need to do to get better where do I stand like I know and now I could sort of put that to ease and then go be more you know, authentic. You know, intentional about you know my my participation as an athlete and. And and just you know more free. You know, Even again, if it's not something you'd like to hear at least you have some information to act on right? and so another sort of piece or another. Um, citation from that brooke article and I don't want to get too wonky here. But I think it's important is you know they they state in that article that I mentioned um one immediate benefit of self-disclosure is more enjoyment of social interactions those include interactions with coaches and teammates right. If you feel like you can be yourself with somebody and I certainly speak from personal experience. This is something That's really important to me. Um, not only in my personal life but in my practice in some ways is you know, being able to show people who I truly am at the core of who I am um makes me feel more comfortable in social interactions because I'm an Introvert. By Nature. Um I Don't trust people you know with really emotional or or private stuff right? off the bat. Um, especially if I think they're going to judge me I would rather um I would rather just sort of work it out myself before.
09:20.39
mvhuber
You know as I feel out those other people I don't want them to sort of get too close. Um, but being able to Self-disclose really takes that load off and and then you can go be yourself and that allows you to enjoy your social interactions and it probably and allows you to enjoy your performance and and perform more naturally. Then you would if you had this burden of these things bothering you that your mind is getting in the way so to speak which is something I I talk about in the context of mental performance coaching and then self-disclosure it. It typically results in better mental health. And then I would again argue in better and better performance right? And so when we're not in a good place Mentally, it's It's really hard to feel good about ourselves our self-esteem might be low. You Know. We're doubting ourselves. You know, Maybe we're a little bit depressed or down. Maybe you're a little bit anxious. Um and that gets in the way right? and sometimes it just it limits itself to the sporting activity that we're in the field or the court or whatever. Um, but sometimes it seeps over into our lives and then. You know, maybe our social relationships suffer because of our mental health. Maybe our academics suffer because of mental health. Maybe our financial situation suffers because of mental Health and I've certainly felt all those things at some point in my life. Um, and and you know I think ultimately right, the people.
10:46.55
mvhuber
Who ask for help are able to operate in a more open minded and and ah in a freer I can't you know I can't think of a better word than freer way and so if I tie it back to my own experience. You know I've talked a bit on the podcast if you've listened about my own experience with a. Gambling addiction and I mean I guess you know one of the things that I think about um, a lot is the fact that I went for probably 25 years of my life trying to solve that problem on my own. I started with gambling when I was 12 the first time I stopped the first time I realized I had a problem was probably at nineteen or twenty when I went through a transition from high school to college I was homesick on my own. Um I wasn't very comfortable. My financial situation was tenuous. Um. Was just a lot of circumstances that led me to turn to gambling to deal with my issues and I knew that I needed help even at that young age but I didn't go for it because why because I wanted to solve the problem on my own I can get out of this I don't want other people to know that I have a problem I don't want to admit. I have a problem and I carried that for probably 18 17 1819 more years of my life until the point where I got I was ready to ask for help. But there was a lot of damage that was done in that seventeen or eighteen years to my mental health to my finances to my relationships um to my professional life.
12:19.31
mvhuber
And I wasn't willing to ask for help until I Absolutely got to the bottom you know if you hear people say about addiction you know I had to get to the bottom in order to ask for help and that's what happened to me now unfortunately from a mental health perspective. A lot of people who suffer From. Gambling Addictions Also um, consider you know self-destruction or suicide as an option because they're so ashamed of the behavior and they're so ashamed of the trouble. They've gotten themselves into and maybe they're so depressed and anxious about. Situation. They've created and they're living in their own mind isolated that they feel like the only option is to take their lives and I I know that to be true gambling has the highest rate of ah suicide incidents of any of the addictions that we know of and um I have heard stories of people who have trying to take their life I've heard stories of people who have. Taking their lives as a result of gambling I say all that to say is that like if I'm an athlete to tie it back to the real topic. A conversation here is why is it so hard for young athletes to ask for help is if I'm an athlete and and I'm not asking for help to get better. I'm just asking for help to survive or I'm just asking for help because I have I'm I'm desperate like you're going to throw away a lot of really valuable time in your career just trying to keep your head above water juggling and managing problems.
13:53.14
mvhuber
Versus going and taking advantage of the help that is there for you especially at the college level right? where there's a great deal of resources even at the lower levels of collegiate sports. There's you know all sorts of resources at your disposal to go take advantage of and if you're not doing that. Um, because you think that you're okay or you don't need to help or whatever you like you're probably doing yourself a disservice and you know I'll go back to to episode 2 of this podcast so you know February of 2021 almost two years ago um my guest on that podcast was Lindsey Hamilton ah Lindsay is the head of mental conditioning for img academy um, probably I mean in truth probably my favorite episode I think maybe you know I don't know exactly why I feel that way but I think her wisdom um the way she um approaches her her job her craft somebody who takes so much pride in it um does it in ah in a prestigious setting with the population that I prefer to serve. Um, there's just something you know I I guess I look up to her and I really was you know. Grateful to have the opportunity to talk to her for an hour about you know the work that she does and the work that we do to you know in the field and you know the thing that she said is that you know one of the things she said that sticks out and is really important is like the the athletes who are most successful tend to be the most resourceful right.
15:26.88
mvhuber
And and to paraphrase what she said on that podcast um is that it's not just finding a resource like knowing where to get it but knowing how to ask? How do I ask for help right? How do I frame that how do I advocate for myself which is something I'm huge on and I talk to my athletes my clients about all the time is hey like. There's only so much you can control on or off the field right? And so if you're not able to get the resource that you need or you're not getting the results that you want or you're not getting the cooperation or feedback from somebody in your life a coach or a teammate or. Have you that and at a certain point. There's ah, an accountability on you to go ask for what you need, Even if you aren't going to like the result or what they're going to say or what they're going to do but you can either either. You know, avoid it and ignore it and pretend like there's not an issue ah or you can. Be afraid to ask because of the fear of you know what?? what? if like what's going to happen but just know that that if you don't step forward and try to advocate for yourself and know how to ask for that help then you're probably not going to reach your potential and and she goes on to say in the podcast which I think is one of my. Favorite things I've ever heard at least in a sport psychology context is you don't have to be bad to get better and I think that that's something I could probably do a better job of sharing with the people that I work with because I think there's still this perception that coming to somebody like me.
17:02.21
mvhuber
Or Lindsay or anybody in the sports psychology field is the it's the the perception is is that something's wrong with me and then I need to fix it. My thinking isn't right? Um I'm not playing well I need something and I've tried all these other things I've lifted more weights i've. You know I've practiced more I went to my instruction I watch video I do all these things that everybody accepts is really um, a given you know in terms of becoming a better athlete and now all of a sudden you got the the black sheep of the family the mental performance coach who's you know sitting and waiting for these people to recognize that. Something's wrong and now we're going to help which makes our jobs really hard because you know I I can't I'm not a magician I can't fix somebody and I mean I could try and and in some cases I can make things better but I need that person. Whoever I'm working with to be able to articulate what they need help with. And I need them to interact and and engage in the process because it's their performance. It's not my performance I'm just the guide right? And so the ones the people who I work with that show up to do the work and see it as a way to get better. Even if things aren't bad or their mental health's in a good place or their confidence is in a good place but they're working on the nuances of these mental strategies and and skills so that when things do go bad because they will when they when you hit a rocky patch and in any sport in life. You have to have you know tools to cope.
18:35.50
mvhuber
And some of them are adaptive as we'd say like mindfulness and you know breathing and and you know constructive self-talk and all these things or they can be maladaptive like drinking or smoking or gambling or eating or whatever. So So you Know. Just know that those situations are going to come and working on those mental skills in a time where there isn't stress or there isn't distress or there isn't a problem is going to allow you to really learn better because you're not distracted or you're not. Under the the gun to to to try to fix something that doesn't really need to be Fixed. It's just a part of your overall game that you should be working on all the time but there's still this Perception. You know that. Working with a mental performance coach. Even if I'm not a I'm not a therapist I'm not a clinical psychologist like there's this perception that coming to somebody somebody like me like like it's there's something to be embarrassed about I Guess is the best way to put it. Um, and there's not. Right? The best of the best work with people in the sports psychology field and the best of the best in business work with coaches and they work with therapists. They're constantly looking for help to be better rather than.
20:06.25
mvhuber
Oh I have a problem now I need to fix it and I think that that's to go back to the the sort of the the original. Um, the start of the podcast is I think it's just human nature right I can solve this problem on my own I don't want anybody to see. Then I'm not capable that I'm incompetent right? And that's real right? like we're swimming upstream from day one biologically like that's what our brains are programmed to do to recognize vulnerability as a threat. And so then as you get older and you start to go to school and you start to play sports and you start to you know, take more risks in your life in general right? You're you're taught that it's not okay to make a mistake. You're taught that it's ok, it's not ok. To lose it. You're taught that it's not okay to share your feelings and now it's just an editor. It's a it's an iterative process. It goes around around and around and it accumulates and so by the time we get to 16 17 1822 years old that idea that can't make a mistake. We can't ask for help. You know it's not okay to not be okay, it becomes like second nature. It's a thought pattern. It's an emotional pattern that we have a really hard time breaking and I you know I I'm not I never.
21:42.30
mvhuber
It's really hard for me to talk about these things from a place of expertise because I feel like you're talking at people when you do so I I always bring it back to my own experience. You know? and and when I think about the time that I came clean about my gambling and I went and I sort of let I put everything out on the table not knowing to go back to the definition of vulnerability right? like not knowing. What risk laid on the other side was I going to stay married was you know who was going to find out like what were they going to think of me was I going to lose my friends all those things and I had to do it I had to live it right? And so I've lived it and I know what it's like and I know what it feels like and then. To go get help and to say that you're an addict compulsive gambler openly in a public form now with other people like you right? So that that's the the beauty and power of a 12 step program if you've ever been the one as a guest or as a member is that. We have this ability to share our stories with other people who are like us thus a lot of times mitigating or eliminating the judgment that we feel if we're telling somebody else who doesn't get it. Um, but even then for me like standing up in front of a.
23:16.77
mvhuber
Group of people and saying I had a problem and being an addict or compulsive gambler was like I remember my knee shaking. You know when I started to like get into that habit of saying that I had a problem but I got to the point where I didn't view it as a weakness anymore I viewed it as a strength a sign of resilience. A sign of courage a sign of um strength and like having lived that like has allowed me to do a lot of other things in my life like taking other risks like starting going and going back to school for. You know a career in sports psychology which is my second career you know going through a divorce which you know obviously is not ideal um and requires that you make a choice. These are all things that I didn't know what was on the other side of it. But I I did it. You know going to see a therapist and all these things and like I just know that. The self-disclosure part of it the the facing my fears part of it has made me a better father a better professional, a better person and I really try to communicate that to the people that I work with you know my clients and the parents. I don't necessarily share all the gory details of my story with clients like that's not necessary. Um, most of the time 99% of the time right? but but I do try to speak from a place of experience so that they feel like I'm not talking at them i'm.
24:48.69
mvhuber
I'm dialoguing with them I'm giving them ownership and I think a lot of times that makes young people uncomfortable because they're not used to taking ownership of their own lives their own situations. They're used to um wait they're used to waiting for somebody to tell them what to to what to do. And I think that that kind of speaks to the the difficulty in asking for help right? It's difficult to ask for help because I don't want to come forward and and admit that I have a vulnerability or a deficiency or a problem I would rather you just tell me and take that information. Take that information and do something with it. It's easier that way and I'll just wait I'll wait till you coach me and a lot of times that coaching doesn't come for a lot of reasons like I tell young people hey like if I coach if I'm a head coach of the division one athletic program i've. I've got to deal with administration I've got to deal with assistance I've got to deal with fundraising I got to deal with recruiting I got to deal with academics I've got a lot of hats that I wear and no by the way I've got fifteen twenty thirty forty other kids one hundred kids if from a football coach that I have to deal with so like time is not you know. Is not like you know infinite for everybody. So what I tell young athletes is is like if you're waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear or or to coach you and you're not getting it well then that's on you because if you need to be coached or you need something from somebody else. You got to ask for it because you're not the only person that they're dealing with and I think a lot of times.
26:19.60
mvhuber
Athletes take it personally um that they're not getting what they need from coaches and they feel like I'm entitled to it but they don't really have the ability to you know, have the empathy for that coach because they're in a position of authority and they feel like on the. You know the subordinate and like you know they need to take care of me and that's not always how it works and I think a big part of frankly the maybe the biggest part of of any relationship including a mental performance coaching relationship is 2 way communication. Ultimately at the end of the day I give you the smartest you know. Mental performance coach in the world right? But if I don't have the ability to communicate with you to understand where you're coming from and you don't have the ability to communicate with me to tell me what you need. We're not going to We're not going to. You know we're not going to come up with a solution that is is right for you because we're not getting to the heart of the problem and I think the same goes for coaching right. You know, coaches and athletes the communication has to be there you know and it's not always going to be perfect, but it has to be an open door. It needs to be 2 wo-way and it needs to there needs to be an element of trust so that either party if they need something to get more out of the other person or more out of their experience or to improve their own performance. They need to be able to know what the other person needs and is thinking and so that's something that comes up a lot more It's probably ah the the biggest thing that I I see and it's not something we practice right? So asking for help if we're not practicing asking for help. We don't know how to ask the question right? like.
27:54.85
mvhuber
If I frame the question as why aren't you playing me or like why did you bench me or like why did you do this like anytime we ask someone? why they usually get defensive I know I do like why did you do that I don't know like I did it right? But if you come to somebody like a coach and say hey hey coach like. How do you think I can be getting better or you know how do how do you see my role on the team or what are your expectations. What how questions where why? not? why? But what and how big open ended questions to try to like frame it as like hey I'm trying to take responsibility and I just want to understand your feedback. So that I could take it and get better right? and sometimes for me that's you know, working with an athlete to role play right to to be able to practice asking for help if we don't have a plan to ask for help and we don't know generally what we want to ask him why we're asking it. And what we want to get out of the conversation and how we want it to go or re previewing it then the conversation is probably not going to go that good because their conversations are really emotional. They can be really emotional, especially when you're not hearing what you want to hear right? You know I I I went through this recently. You know on the personal situation you know and I'll share this yeah and about a month ago I went to to you know my father and I I asked him for some help and um I I mean in 47 years I can count on one hand the number of times I asked my father for to go out of his way to help me because I know my father.
29:27.69
mvhuber
And I and I'm and I think in fairness I probably for the most the first you know 37 years of my life I probably didn't ask for help because I didn't want to hear it from him. But you know I got to a place where I really needed his help and I thought he could give it to me and um I asked him for the help and you know. He was willing to give it to me. Um, but then he he made it conditional. Um, and that really hurt my feelings and so I just said hey take your help and shove it. You know I don't need your help. Because like that's like sort of goes back to the idea of like I'm going to be vulnerable with you like I really need your help like can you help me like you're my father and getting it thrown back in your face is like well why would I even open up to you now I know thankfully that. That's just he's 74 going on 75 years old that's just the way he is and I know that he's dealing with some things that you know that are solely up to him and so like he's got his own issues and so I wouldn't have had a problem if he would have just said no because I understand. But he said yes, but then he made me feel bad about it and it was conditional. So it's like well why would I even ask you for help and I'm sure a lot of people feel that way like I don't want to you know get I don't want to be embarrassed I don't want to have something thrown back in my face I don't want it to to be used against me right? So why even bother I'll just figure it out on my own It's so much easier.
30:52.57
mvhuber
It's like delegating work at you know, delegating work to other people in our jobs I was really terrible at it because I always wanted the people who did the work to have the same standards as I did the same urgency the same care and the truth in the matter is is that not everybody does. Um, but we have to learn to trust them to do it because we have other responsibilities trying to take on everything yourself is a recipe for disaster as I learn because trying to take on everything myself. Ah, when I was working and dealing with financial problems and gambling and all those other things led me to a breakdown you know and that. You know that's that's not somewhere. We want to be and so the more comfortable we get with asking for help. Um and the more we practice it The better Off. We're going to be when we need to flex that muscle you know and I think it's something that we don't.
31:49.29
mvhuber
You know as a society We don't practice it. We don't We don't We don't make it. We don't normalize it you know and that's sort of a I must say it's a buzzword but a lot of people use that we don't normalize asking for help. We don't practice it. We don't teach it as a life skill. We don't We don't practice it roleplay it. We don't We don't look at it. Right? What do we look at you know we look at hard skills you know memorizing things in school and you know, um, you know, getting good grades and producing results. But we don't really work on the important stuff that's going to carry us through our lives and so when we're thrust into those stressful situations where we need someone's help. Whether it's on the field on the court in the boardroom you know wherever it is and in our living room. You know we're in a place where we feel comfortable asking for it and we have a plan and a way to do that. That's constructive and I think it's just something That's really really important and it and it really Drives. Motivates my work as a sports psychology professional because I want to ultimately right when I got into this work and when I went back to school in 2017 and I got into this work. It was how can I help people right? that was sort of the Over. Overt Premise How can I help other people because other people help me in my recovery process and they didn't ask for anything in return and so I said like Wow this is really cool I Want to pay it forward. But how do I make a life living out of it and then when I realized that that was really what was driving it I said okay like.
33:24.81
mvhuber
where can I do that where I feel most comfortable and to me that was in sports like I always wanted a career in sports but didn't know how to do it didn't know what to look for the help I didn't it wasn't something that I think the people in my life. My family thought was you know, feasible or realistic. Um, I felt like you know I just had to go out and sort of you know, follow the game plan and go get a job make make money and pay the bills and so when I had the opportunity I was like oh I'm gonna do this I'm gonna put these 2 things together I'm gonna help people I want to do it in this context, but but even further for me, it was about helping young people because. If I think back to when I was 16 17 181920 years old like I just I didn't have I did have help but I didn't know how to access it right? It was probably not from my parents was probably from other people in my life but I didn't have those. Kinds of relationships I didn't have that kind of confidence or trust in other people at that point in my life so it was just easier to do things on my own but it got me to a place where I had to wait twenty years to figure it out and then I had to go through a lot of pain and suffering. To get out the other side of it now. It's been to my benefit and I'm grateful for the experiences that I've had and I never wake up, you know any day and say I wish I wouldn't have gone through this because I wouldn't be where I'm at if I didn't but at the same time is like well why does a 16 or 17 or 18 or 30 irty year old have to go through that when they there's other people out there to help them.
34:56.60
mvhuber
And so you know I've carried that over I mean I do it in my sports psychology work with young athletes I also do it as a speaker. Um for a company called Epicris Management um and I speak at colleges and universities in the us and I I I I advocate for student athletes and in coaching staffs in terms of understanding the. The the challenges and the and the dangers of problem gambling and that's something I get great. Great satisfaction out of you know, helping other people in that particular realm because it's something that's near and dear to my heart and every time I stand up in front of ah ah audience whether it's you know 300 college kids or a hundred coaches. It's. I tell my story and that's you know me choosing vulnerability for the benefit of others and I think that that's not the norm and I'm not saying it should be the norm necessarily not everybody wants to share everything all the time in such an open way and I'm not suggesting that everybody needs to do that or should do that. But what I am suggesting is is that if you're able to acquire some of that comfort in being vulnerable and asking for help at an earlier age at an earlier stage of life. It's going to make your life a lot easier. Um, and I think that that's something we need to be aware of. You know whether or not it's easy to get to a place where we're comfortable asking for help. That's another story because I do think it requires practice. You know, requires practice to overcome some of the things that we're inherently programmed to think and do um but we can do it and I I know we can do it because I've gotten to a place where i'm.
36:29.92
mvhuber
I'm okay, asking for help you know, even if it doesn't go my way at least I feel ah confident and good enough about myself to to advocate for help where I need it So I don't have to try to solve all my problems on my own. So Ultimately I mean this episode is really about thinking about. Why it is so hard to ask for help and what it means for athletes I think that I see so many situations for young people where they're not willing to not only ask for help or they don't know how to ask for help. But even if the help is there. They don't know how to take it. And I think it's just bringing bringing an awareness to the you know to to the population bringing the conversation out to say hey it is hard to ask for help and here's why because we're not biologically wired to want help or to be okay with help because we don't want to be vulnerable because it's a threat to us. So We try to do things on our own right? We're sort of overcoming that hump if we know that then we can also be a little bit more self-compassionate and saying you know it's not that easy to do. But if I really want to get better at it I can take little steps to become a you know better at it. You know? So Ultimately you know I want to. Ah, want to leave these episodes with things that the listeners can take away and in this case I would say that you know I want you to think about the 3 things that you could take away from the episode that you might be able to to use or at least contemplate and and and you know, um.
38:04.67
mvhuber
You know and and and noodle on right? and so one you know we usually think that asking for help looks worse than those we are asking for help right? So What do I mean by that we assume in our own minds that if we ask for help. We're going to look bad but the person on the other side. Actually thinks it's a positive They think it's a strength or if nothing else are just neutral. They don't really care right? They're not judging you. They're there to help you right? coaches and parents are there to help coaches and parents wouldn't be parents wouldn't be coaches or parents in most cases if they didn't want to help so they're in that role for a reason you know. And they want you to come to them and talk to them I Certainly talk to my athletes about this like I am here to help you so use it right? engage in it because if you don't then you're wasting it. So That's really important I think knowing that asking for help is not going to be as bad as you think it is. Right for that person that you're asking. They're not going to judge you as much as you think secondly and probably very Similars. We're always being judged right? No matter what right? whether you realize it or not people are judging right? They're making snap judgments all the time. So There's nothing. You could do about it. It's not in your control right? so. So asking for help whether you get ah ah ah you know whether you get a good answer or a bad answer or you get support or you don't or someone judges you wrongly doesn't matter like asking for help just by by virtue of going through the action of asking someone to light and help you lightens your load. So. It's a benefit to you Even if you don't get the help.
39:41.24
mvhuber
You've asked for the help right? like hey I've done my part I can control this I can't control whether somebody judges me or decides to give me the help but I've actually taken action and advocated for myself and now you're getting it off your chest I think that that's really important right? So you know, sort of ah ah you know on a tangent a bit you know. That's why therapy is so great. You may not get answers. You might not get answers in therapy all the time but you're able to unload your shit and I think that that's really important to do and having someone you trust whether it's a therapist or a friend or a parent or whatever just being able to unload and and ask for the help is really important just by virtue of doing it and then finally third. You don't have to be bad to get better I said it before and and I want to thank Lindsey Hamilton for that because I can't take credit. You don't have to be bad to get better if you want to be great if you want to reach your potential Whatever that is you need to look for those resources that are going to help you and that are going to give you an edge and then practice using them. Going to them asking for help thinking about the ways that asking for help will get you the best result asking you know all this different stuff practice right? It's going to make you a better person. Not just a better athlete and and you know don't think that you have to be in a hole you know. To go get help and I really those are the 3 things right? It usually looks worse to ask for help for us than the person we're asking to We're always being judged so you can't control it. So don't worry about it and 3 you you don't have to be bad to get better if you if you like just take those 3 things in and think about them.
41:18.77
mvhuber
And and and you know just sort of contemplate that I think you know just that helps to build the awareness which is a principle of my mental performance coaching practice. We can't be better or we can't work on our mental game or we can't work on anything in our sport to to move towards improvement if we're not aware. Of what's going on if we're not aware of all the things that we're doing and thinking and feeling and the assessments we make of ourself if we're not aware. It's going to be really hard to change so building that awareness is the first step in anything you might not be better at asking for help tomorrow but you might have. You know some questions that you could ask yourself to say how can I get better at asking for help to make myself a better athlete and a better person. So um I guess I'll on on that and on that um I just you know if you've listened to this whole 42 minutes of me talking to myself. Um congratulations. But also thank you for for listening I appreciate it. It is something that's really important to me. You know these these solo episodes are a bit of an indulgence and so anyone who sits and listens to me for 40 minutes um you know I'm just really grateful for them and hopefully you got something out of it and if there's anything that. Think I can do to help you please reach out to me. Um, you know whether it's through my website Michael Vubber Dot Com or ah by Email Michael at ftbcoaching.com. Um, I'd be happy to help you know anything you need I'm I'm here. That's why I do what I do so thanks for listening.
42:50.45
mvhuber
And hope to have you back soon.