Curious about how to establish effective communication and strengthen the bond with your teenage athlete?
Welcome to "The Freshman Foundation", a podcast that helps young athletes and their families BE READY for every next step in their athletic journey.
In this episode, we're honored to host Jeanine Mouchawar, a respected life coach dedicated to assisting parents of teenagers. From the significance of emotional regulation to mastering effective communication, Jeanine guides us through the intricate dynamics of parent-teen interactions.
So, what’s your biggest takeaway from my conversation with Jeanine Mouchawar?
My biggest takeaway is that parents need to shift their approach from a controlling style to one that empowers their teenagers.
Just as I do, Jeanine encourages parents to foster autonomy and problem-solving skills in their teens, which will equip them for life's challenges.
Furthermore, she emphasizes open communication lines, where teenagers feel understood and can express their concerns freely.
We're grateful to Jeanine for sharing her wisdom with The Freshman Foundation Community.
Learn more about her coaching work by visiting her website, https://www.jeaninemouchawar.com/.
You can also follow her on Facebook and Instagram @jeaninemouchawarcoaching.
To learn more about how mental performance coaching can help you BE READY for your next step in the game of life, visit https://michaelvhuber.com.
Thank you for listening to The Freshman Foundation® Podcast. We’ll see you back soon for Episode 65.
00:00.00
mvhuber
Hi Janine how are you I'm doing great tonight. Thanks for joining me on the podcast. It's great to see you again. It's absolutely my pleasure so to get started the first question I'd ask you is.
00:01.36
Jeanine Mouchawar
Great Mike how are you? Yeah thanks for having me excited to be here.
00:16.41
mvhuber
What inspired you to go into the field of coaching parents of of teenagers.
00:22.97
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, okay, that's a long story I'll try to make sure you can ask me? Um, so I am a parent to 3 young adults and um, you know parenting for me I parented just instinctively which for most of us.
00:26.58
mvhuber
We like long stories on this podcast. Ah.
00:40.85
Jeanine Mouchawar
Tends to be influenced by how we were raised and that worked really well for a number of years when they were young but when they hit the teenage years I continued to parent that way and what I noticed is they. I didn't even know if I recognized this at the time but that they needed something different from me what I did notice is that conflict and tension started coming up and there was more arguing going on and I was feeling like a nag. Um I. Seemed like I was more worried than I used to be more concerned and as those feelings kind of ramped up I noticed that my kids particularly one of them was pushing me away and disengaging and that became even more worrisome and is. As I saw him pull away I was tightening the reins which just was continuing to Backfire. We were in this cycle and it just wasn't what I thought my relationship with my kids would be like and I got you know, just kind of scared started.
01:53.23
mvhuber
Are and.
01:53.23
Jeanine Mouchawar
You know, listening to podcasts reading the books looking for information but nothing was working and so eventually with um my middle one who I was having the hardest time communicating with we went to a program together. Where he learned new communication skills and I learned new communication skills as well and it just had such a dramatic impact on our relationship and everything I wanted it to be it started coming back again. Not that it was idyllic I mean these are teenagers. Ah,, there's always going to be some you know struggle going on but the peace and the joy that came back far outweighed that and it felt like whatever tension was left over was just normal tension and I felt him come back. Into the family and that was such a relief. Um I Just thought I have got to get this information into into the hands of as many parents as possible as quickly as possible and so that's how I discovered that life coaching could be the medium that I helped people.
03:04.54
mvhuber
And.
03:06.75
Jeanine Mouchawar
And I had the education from this program and 26 years of parenting 3 really different children.
03:13.98
mvhuber
So how I'm curious. How old was your son at this point. Yes.
03:20.82
Jeanine Mouchawar
When we went to the program. He actually ah you know unfortunately, it wasn't till his senior year in high school. Um, ah yeah I love when parents come to me and want to do a coaching relationship when their kids are younger. You have this beautiful runway. Time to learn new parenting skills that are more fit to and work with teenagers and to really impact your relationship so you don't ever get to that point of you know, screaming and yelling and arguing and and the disconnection. But unfortunately I you know didn't learn it till his senior year in high school. Um, but you know it it worked it worked quickly and we continue to use those skills today.
04:08.10
mvhuber
Yeah, so so I'm curious like I assume that this was something that the idea was initiated by you is that a fair assessment.
04:19.98
Jeanine Mouchawar
Well without throwing him under the bus I guess I kind of will but um, he was asked to leave the school first day senior year of high schools. We're in a bit of a crisis right? He's in the middle of applying to colleges and he needs his.
04:26.50
mvhuber
Um, okay, okay.
04:36.19
Jeanine Mouchawar
Recommendations from his college counselors. Um, there was a lot of Risky Behavior going on with you know smoking and things like that and so um, it was an awakening for us that oh wait a minute like not only am I feeling like he's slipping away. But um, we have like hardcore facts that we need to deal with and really do something significantly different.
05:01.36
mvhuber
Yeah, So so the the reason I asked that question was because I think one of the things that I see in my work and I'm sure you see it in the work that you do whether it's with a parent or the parents. What they're sort of explaining or telling you about their children If you're exposed to them. Like Motivation is such a key factor in this right in that case it sounds like there were some really you know, really really serious external factors that were driving to to like you know the number of solutions that you might have had at your disposal at that point were pretty limited but I think a lot of times in those situations. The motivation isn't. Isn't a strong and so you know a lot of times kids and adults frankly don't want to take that step forward to make the change but you know sometimes it's that conflict that really leads to the best possible outcome and it sounds like in your case like for all the things that may have happened and challenges you had it actually led you to a much better place. Um, you know that it's better late than never I guess is the best way to put it right.
05:58.52
Jeanine Mouchawar
Oh Absolutely and you know it's always in hindsight at the time it feels like a crisis but in hindsight I'm so grateful for it. It just like I mentioned it just so dramatically changed our relationship and my relationship with my other children. It gave us all new communication tools. Um, and yeah, I'm so grateful for it and now having said that as I mentioned before it's so great when parents seek out this kind of help earlier when you're speaking about you know, seeing kids who aren't motivated.
06:29.10
mvhuber
Are.
06:35.56
Jeanine Mouchawar
Ah, you know, especially athletes. Um there there are different ways that you can communicate to them as a parent that are more effective in motivating them. So although my experience was not with an athlete who wasn't motivated. It's still our.
06:47.14
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
06:52.99
mvhuber
Yes, sure and so in my field and in sports psychology. You know there's a ah motivational theory that we sort of lean on pretty heavily and it's something that I subscribe to in my work which is called Self-determination theory.
06:54.40
Jeanine Mouchawar
Different communication skills.
07:09.73
mvhuber
But self-determination theory is applied across all realms including parenting right? The idea that in order to motivate people. You've got to create the right climate in order for them to want to change specifically the the perception of autonomy or control. And it sounds like the way you describe your relationship with your children and your 1 son in particular part of that process was you're trying to kind of take control and dictate the outcomes and he was resisting because he probably felt like he didn't have a say. And his own choices is that a fair characterization and situation.
07:48.53
Jeanine Mouchawar
You I mean you're spot on and it's honestly probably the number 1 problem that I work with with most clients is that we don't realize when they hit you know to be teenagers that wait. They need something different from us now because. They want that autonomy and they don't want to feel like you're controlling them I mean frankly, most the time they think you know nothing and you don't get it so but the problem of the struggle for parents is that there was so many years that went by where they weren't autonomous. Right? And and we had to show up and we had to give them. You know our life lessons our wisdoms tell them what they should do what they need to do that was our role to keep them safe. But what happens is is you know when we did that we got all of this positive feedback. And so it gets wired into our nervous system. Oh I want that positive feedback or if I do this x right? if I tell them what they should do or need to do I will get positive feedback from that.
08:59.82
mvhuber
Yeah.
09:01.78
Jeanine Mouchawar
So what happens is when they become teenagers. It's a parent's challenge to like flip that now it's time for you to be curious and for them to come up with their own wisdom.
09:16.83
mvhuber
Yeah I think that that's a really instructive I mean because I'm a parent myself and I certainly can relate to that. Um, but also in the work that I do because I do a lot of work with teenagers themselves and I am. Very much curious about their journey I'm curious about what they need and um I encourage them to sort of take the lead on the coaching process because I want them to get out of it what they want and what I find to your point is a lot of times. It's very foreign to them. Even they're uncomfortable. When an adult comes to them and asks them for their opinion or an adult comes to them and says hey what do you think about this like how would you solve this problem. What do you need and they're just like I don't get it because everybody's always telling me what to do for them. It's very like. Um, say it's off-putting I think it's refreshing. But I just don't think they know how to react I mean that sounds like what you're describing parents are sort of just not able to sort of transition with you know with this socioe Emotionalal development transition into a different you know way of thinking and way of parenting. They're sort of just.
10:23.30
Jeanine Mouchawar
Then.
10:25.30
mvhuber
Stuck in that old kind of behavioristic. You know Pattern is that a fair assessment as well.
10:30.00
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, no absolutely I completely agree with you. Um, it's like yeah if you just all of a sudden want their solution and their opinion all that when they they are used to providing that or thinking that way. The conversation is awkward and uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable. They don't know how to answer you and so it's like you can learn new communication tools and strategies and at the same time you have to give them some grace and time to catch up with you. Right? So that there is a transition and it's not just black and white I think like most parents like we're really good at that in the younger years like we're good at transitioning from what they need at 3 to what they need at 6 to mean you know what they need at 9 but there's just so much information out there about younger, you know parenting younger kids and there's not a lot of information out there on how to parent teens and so what I notice is parents are struggling because they're just stuck. In the old in the patterns that used to work.
11:40.18
mvhuber
Um, yeah, yeah I I think I mean that's I Really, it's a really interesting point to me because I think adolescence is just such an an awkward time in general right? like not even in the traditional sense but like part of them. They're adults right? part of like them looks like adults and feels like it sounds like adults. But then there's a part of them that's still a kid right? So they're in this sort of weird place of like okay do I treat them like an adult do I treat him like a kid. How do I balance that and it is very very sticky. It's not the same as you know you go from.
12:10.26
Jeanine Mouchawar
The first.
12:16.55
mvhuber
Diapers to potty train to right like those stages are pretty are pretty set for us. But then adolescence just gets a little bit mushier.
12:23.69
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, oh absolutely. And yeah, it's like okay they're in a transition. But I think what most parents don't recognize is well we need to be in a transition to all right? So we need to go from like heavy handed parenting. To some middle ground and gradual Ninth tenth Eleven Twelfth you know, letting out the reins and giving them more and more independence and autonomy as you see when they're ready to handle it and then you've got another transition again when they go to college. And you have even less control and influence right? But you want to be laying the groundwork in high school for them to be building these life skills when they're still in the safety of your home. So when they launched a college they've they're equipped. To solve their own problems right? So maybe initially in high school. It's a dear and headlights like I don't know what the answer is why are you asking me usually tell me but at some point we need to help them develop those problem solving skills so that when they're not in the safety of our home. They're equipped.
13:36.55
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah, and you just basically summarized that you just summarized the the theme and sort of the the the tone of this podcast which is exactly that right? like having young people prepared for.
13:38.23
Jeanine Mouchawar
To thrive.
13:54.75
mvhuber
The next step and I think in order to do that. You've actually got to prepare right? You've got to do something differently sooner before they get there rather than sending them there to college say for instance without any real runway and now all of a sudden. It's like figuring it out in this really foreign and stressful Environment. I Guess I would I have a lot of questions based upon what you just said so like what are some of the like can you sort of describe the conditions under which people reach out to you and inquire about your services because I would imagine that just like with you a lot of parents are coming to you. In crisis mode rather than in a proactive way. But I don't want to assume that so like what's sort of the profile of of your clients coming to you.
14:41.40
Jeanine Mouchawar
Um, yeah I'd I'd say it's about fifty fifty I think people who are more in my inner circle and know my story or a piece of my story though they tend to come to me when their children are in crisis. They're drinking. They're smoking. They're doing drugs. They're you know, having sex like risky behavior is the category I would put it in um, but honestly the other half who don't know me personally um, they tend to have younger kids middle school kids. Their oldest is. 12 or 13 but they might even have some younger kids and really their motivation is hey I want the high school years to be calm and peaceful and I want to be the best parent that I can be and i'm. You know, seeing friends kids who are older and seeing wow this is just a whole different um different skills that I need as a parent and you know they want to avoid the conflict and tension from it never happening and. It is such a joy to coach those parents because just from the position I came in I just feel like you are giving your child such a gift and yourself such a gift by starting this early.
16:03.37
Jeanine Mouchawar
And the other nice thing about starting early is the problems aren't as Big. You're dealing with maybe procrastination or challenge doing your chores or challenge registering for classes. The problems aren't as. Big as when you get to the Junior Senior year oftentimes. It's the more really high risk behaviors that you are scaring you and you want them to make better choices. Um, it's more difficult.
16:33.40
mvhuber
Um, yeah, absolutely so it's it's it's almost exactly aligned with what I see in my work so when I started my work I envision working with older adolescents right? High school age kids and in those cases a lot of times if. Parents come to me at that point it is they're in crisis mode or something it needs to be fixed quote unquote and what I find is when I get in those situations 16 17 18 there's a lot of unwinding deprogramming because they've already learned. Their patterns right? They learn their thinking patterns their behavior patterns. They're sort of setting their ways and unless the the person is motivated and open minded at that age. It's gonna be hard to sort of undo it. It's gonna be harder. What I find is now I get I'm getting these inquiries from yeah, parents of younger kids who are have young athletes who are. Primarily dealing with fear of failure perfectionism like um, overthinking like just really being really hard on themselves and they're coming to me with ten year olds um they're coming to me with ten year olds um what happened you're still there I'm sorry. Yeah they're coming to me with 10 year olds I should have shown my phone off. Um they're coming to me with ten year olds and and nine year olds and twelve year olds and um at first I was really reluctant I'm like do they really need to do this but to your point what I found is that those kids are much more malleable. They're much more.
18:05.83
mvhuber
Like it's you have to communicate them in a totally different way because it's developmentally they're just in a different place but with these basic concept concept like this is what I can and can't control how does this make you feel when something happens identifying feelings right? What can I do differently right or helping them to sort of understand basic. Like concepts in terms of how to manage their emotions like when you put that in you you put that play when they're 101112 years old now you've laid a foundation for a kid who's going to be 1 they're probably going to have and be able to apply those at some level. Although it's not going to solve all your problems. But they're going to start to think a different way. Secondly, they're probably going to be more open to to getting help later in life because they're were exposed to it really early and I think that is probably the one of the biggest things that I see is that a lot of kids and especially in the space that I'm in coaching don't they're uncomfortable about asking for help. And that's a skill They're not very good at and it's not that's a real challenge for them when they say go to off to college and then you're on your own if you don't know how to ask for help from somebody. You can you're gonna have a hard time because you're not gonna be able to do it all by yourself or if you do it's gonna be really hard. Do you find to tie it back to you. I mean do you find parents resistant to to change or do you find them? Do you find it hard to help them sometimes or when they come to you. They're just sort of open books say please help me.
19:29.80
Jeanine Mouchawar
It's very individual. Um there you know I have a dad who you know his his daughter's 13 and he didn't like he felt them drifting apart.
19:30.19
mvhuber
Okay.
19:43.51
Jeanine Mouchawar
He felt like he was angry all the time at the choices she was making and felt like there was this change in their relationship from being so close to to now drifting Apart. He came to coaching so motivated to make a change that. There was I mean I was shocked. There was just 0 resistance and he ended up making progress with his daughter within weeks I'd say that was the fastest I've ever seen anyone turn things Around. It's more common to to.
20:11.81
mvhuber
Sure.
20:18.91
Jeanine Mouchawar
Just be resistant to some of this because it's not the way we were raised. It's not the way we were taught to think right and we just naturally you know we we have the best of intentions but when they're teenagers were still communicating with them. You should do this.
20:21.90
mvhuber
So different.
20:38.64
Jeanine Mouchawar
You need to do this or this is why you're wrong, right? Or let me let me do it for you right? and and that that method of communication. It's so wired in us because for many parents, their parents parented them that way and in their mind.
20:56.66
mvhuber
Worked.
20:58.50
Jeanine Mouchawar
It worked. They're quote unquote successful right? because we're not taught as a culture to like dive into but wait are you kind of stuck in people pleasing guilt shame Anger right? We don't We don't make the connection. But the fact is it is.
21:15.72
mvhuber
Yeah I it's a but but what you just said is really. It's on the Mark I've I've experienced it firsthand. Um I I've experienced it in marriage with you know with a spouse who I think.
21:17.21
Jeanine Mouchawar
Connected.
21:32.44
mvhuber
Was very much that way and I was probably that way too when they were very little and then I kind of went through some things myself where I started to expose myself to therapy and and you know Mindfulness meditation and all these different you know, sort of modalities. To try to be a more peaceful person and what I learned through a lot of that was exactly what you describe which is like you know and and in my training like the way you ask people questions. Um how you like you know the wording of the question how you do it? Um are you being mindful. You know am I. Am I taking this too personally right? I Think that's a huge one as a parent we take it personally when our kids make bad choices because it's a reflection on us and we want to control the kids so that we can make ourselves feel better rather than going like they're not doing it to me. They're testing the waters and I need to understand why they're doing it. So that I can help guide them in the right direction and start treating them with a bit of respect to say hey you're making this choice could you gotta understand the consequences but you know here's why I think maybe you should try it this way versus saying no, you need to do this and as soon as you tell them? they you need to do this. You know what? they're gonna go do. They're going to go do it right.
22:49.41
Jeanine Mouchawar
Exactly No I mean that's just so insightful. Um, you know that was the culture that we grew up in that. Whatever we do. We were sent that message from our parents that whatever we do it reflects on them.
22:55.40
mvhuber
Yes, oh.
23:04.15
Jeanine Mouchawar
And so of course we just naturally think that and so we're very tied to your point to what our our child's behavior because we we feel unconsciously that it is a reflection on us versus my child. Is a good kid. He's struggling with something right now right? How can I help him that's nothing to do with me.
23:28.40
mvhuber
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's something I see too I mean in sports parents you know invest so much nowadays certainly more than my parents ever did. Invest so much in the development of the young athlete right? The young person and there's a lot of reasons why they might do that that I don't really want to get into that. But I think you know it's this like I've done everything I can kind of thing I've I've spent so much money I've spent so much time I've given them all the resources. Why aren't. Getting or my son or daughter getting the results that they want and then there's this lack of control and then it becomes a cycle of conflict about the parent says. Well, you need to do this and the kid says I am doing that and right and so. What what? I usually find is parents who come to me at their wit's end frankly and say like I don't know what else to do I've tried everything I can try and I I just think as a parent I can't get through to my kid I I need someone to help and that's typically where I come in and I always tell them I said listen I do this for a living I have 2 children. And they still don't listen to me so they know they know what I'm capable of and what I do for a living and when I give them advice. They just basically ignore me right now whether they internalize it or not doesn't um I will maybe I'll know one day but they don't tell me but point being is is that the the relationship is just so.
24:49.92
Jeanine Mouchawar
Are.
25:00.23
mvhuber
Sensitive and can be so volatile and so conditional that parents sometimes just need to step out of the way or to in in your case come to you and say help me like help me make this more livable better Happy So that we don't have to go through all this heartache. And I think it's wonderful that that you're doing it. Um, how long have you been doing it.
25:20.70
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, oh gosh. Ah so 2017 what is that six years six years like shares of coaching and then yeah 26 years of parenting.
25:29.94
mvhuber
Good for you. It's awesome goes up. Yeah, real life right? Real world battle scars and all of that which and I'm sure I'm sure it informs your work and and you know I think it's.
25:38.61
Jeanine Mouchawar
Ah, real life hands on experience. Yeah.
25:48.15
mvhuber
I Think you could probably look back too saying like you know, like Wow like look at the changes that that you've made right because like you went through all of it and and parents I say this all the time and I went through this with my own family. My parents is you know I realized at a much later age in life that like parents just do the best they can with what they have right? like we're all taught a certain way. Right? We we we we just try to do the best in the moment right? like we're we're not. We don't have bad intentions and sometimes they're just limited in our capacity to make the right decisions or the best decisions and that's okay, we're human, right? but to be able to step up and say hey I need help I Think that's really cool. Um, so so tell me more about.
26:22.90
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah I I really I really had to spend a lot of time embodying that concept because once you you know quote Unquote see the light and you're like oh if I.
26:27.65
mvhuber
Go ahead.
26:38.48
Jeanine Mouchawar
Speak and communicate with them differently. It's going. You know my outcome's going to be much better I Think once I learn these tools. It was very natural to just all of a sudden beat myself up like ah if I'd only had these tools earlier and things would have been so much better and. You know it's similar to what you said, it's like we're doing the best we can with the knowledge we have that the coach training program I went through one of the lines was there are no mistakes and when I first heard that I'm like why you know what? you're talking about.
27:11.47
mvhuber
Yeah.
27:15.79
Jeanine Mouchawar
But it was in the context of we only view a mistake when we have new knowledge and you're reflecting on something in the past right? if you go back to that time you had good intentions as a parent you were trying your very best with the tools that were in your tool.
27:35.29
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
27:35.76
Jeanine Mouchawar
Box And so you know just to really when as you do start learning new ways to communicate you know I know just personally I had to spend time like not beating myself up because you're like oh now that I know this new Way. What was I doing I was just not. Good.
27:56.95
mvhuber
It's a very common way of thinking. It's something I deal with all the time with athletes as well. Right? we have these high expectations that we should always get things right? and then we make a mistake and we focus on the mistake rather than all of the good things that we did because right like you did a lot of good things as apparent. But.
27:57.50
Jeanine Mouchawar
Are.
28:10.89
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yes, yeah.
28:12.76
mvhuber
Just sort of tell ourselves like well we were supposed to do that. But the mistake that we made We shouldn't have done that and we focus on that which is really I think unfair to ourselves. So so tell me more in a little bit more detail tell me about your coaching process. What that looks like.
28:23.19
Jeanine Mouchawar
Um.
28:29.72
mvhuber
Um, is it group is it one on one. What's the duration sort of what are the skills that you teach can you sort of just give me a rundown on that.
28:36.74
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, yeah, of course, um, so right now if you want to work with me. It's 1 on 1 private coaching. Um I do work with 2 parents at the same time and me if they you know want to come on the Zoom call together some mom and dads like to do that. Which works if they are pretty aligned in their values and their parenting style some parents are not aligned in that in which case we I work with them separately. But in general, it's a 1 on 1 private coaching for six months and you know almost just to circle back kind of what you were bringing up before is you know, most parents, especially the parents of your audience like you mentioned they've invested their time their money their resources. To help empower their child to be the best athlete possible and when you're in the day-to-day. Minutiae you tend to have expectations some you're aware of some. You're not but when you're not seeing the results that you're expecting. It's only. Natural for you to get frustrated or angry or irritated and you know when you get what happens is the the problem here is you get stuck in this loop of you know if my child would just do this. All would be better or you know again, we've been talking about like.
30:07.15
Jeanine Mouchawar
Telling them what the right way to do it offering your wisdom what they should do need to do and in general when you do that 2 things happen either 1 they quote unquote obey you or take your advice and it feels good to you in the short term because it might impact the results.
30:23.58
mvhuber
Um.
30:26.80
Jeanine Mouchawar
What I would have to just caution you of is that tends to be external motivation that you've created and if you really want your child to go the distance in their sport they have to have that internal motivation and desire.
30:43.90
mvhuber
Yeah, you're saying you're you're speaking. You're speaking my language right? The external motivation if it's That's the only motivation. It's unsustainable because ultimately you're chasing outcomes and results that are not. They're not.
30:45.50
Jeanine Mouchawar
I See you nodding along. It's in your language.
30:59.90
mvhuber
Completely within your control if they're in your control at all and when you don't get what you want you burn out on it right? like it's the most simplistic way we would look at it and and sports. But you're right right? You've got to be able to create the conditions for internal motivation and that does not happen overnight. It just doesn't.
31:05.92
Jeanine Mouchawar
Um, for her are.
31:15.55
Jeanine Mouchawar
It you know it doesn't a lot of it's just an innate desire and you know if parents who are listening if you don't believe ah me and Mike ask some olympic athletes I mean my husband was an olympian. My brother was an olympian and they will tell you that it was. All internal drive internal desire internal motivation. Um, you know I think that is probably the the lion share of athletes who've taken it all the way ah had that they weren't doing it to please their parents. You know they were doing it because for the love of the sport so you know just to bring it back like so there's the kids who are externally motivated and so you feel better right? because now they're doing what you said or there's the child who is more rebellious.
31:52.30
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
32:03.82
mvhuber
Um, right.
32:07.68
Jeanine Mouchawar
And does the exact opposite or won't listen and then you're frustrated and what we tend to just do naturally is insert ourselves more and that's when you get stuck in that cycle. So to you know what we work on if you work with me in coaching.
32:19.65
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
32:26.93
Jeanine Mouchawar
Is we first start with learning a different way to communicate you know a way that promotes internal motivation and desire a way that you can engage them in the conversation. They're not just paying you lip service. A way to connect with them so they feel like you really understand them and you get them and then finally a way to help them make better choices or you know what? our I think parent brain likes to think is cooperate cooperate with me for god's sakes. Right? But in essence it's like make better choices, better decisions and so we I I walk you know when we first start working together I will walk you through a 5 step process where the first step is to really calm your own emotions down. So if we see that our child you know didn't play well in a game you know we might feel sad or we might feel frustrated if we think they didn't try their best or we might feel angry that the coach didn't play them when we expected them to. All these emotions naturally come up because you're human and you're a parent and you love your kid. But what happens is when those emotions come up. We have this urge to talk to them right? then and there right because we want to get with the emotions feel horrible. We want to get rid of them.
33:44.59
mvhuber
Um, and.
33:57.66
Jeanine Mouchawar
So that's like our default solution is oh I'm gonna go talk to them and I'm gonna tell them what to do and this is gonna fix the problem and more often than not it creates tension between the 2 of you. So. The first thing we work on this is not easy. But it is doable I'm sure you work on it with your parents as well. Which is all about how are you thinking about the problem. How are you feeling and taking ownership over. Okay I need to calm my own emotions down my kid's not responsible for my anger and frustration.
34:16.91
mvhuber
Um I do um.
34:34.44
Jeanine Mouchawar
And I need to just calm myself down before I even engage in a conversation with them because I I like to call it. It's like it's like bad B right? you walk in and do a conversation with them and your energy is filled with Anger or frustration like you're gonna repel them. They're gonna.
34:38.67
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
34:51.82
mvhuber
Yes.
34:54.22
Jeanine Mouchawar
Push sho away and and distance self because your emotions feel overwhelming to them and they tend to like freeze up or push you away because they think oh gosh when this happens I'm going to get punished right? I'm but like there's going to be some consequence going on that I don't want So I'm mean.
35:07.72
mvhuber
Um, yeah one I don't want to deal with it. Yeah, absolutely yeah, it's funny I I I've thought about this before and I actually wrote something away a while back about this like why? like.
35:14.17
Jeanine Mouchawar
Show away.
35:25.97
mvhuber
Mental skills training that I use for athletes could be really good for parents because at the end of the day parents are they're they're performers right? They have a really really important job to execute on and it's ah it's a very um, it's a high stakes job right? If we don't do our job well as parents. The consequences can be really dire. So parents really need to have skills like that so things I would say would be like learn how to be mindful of like identifying your emotions right? learn to breathe like know how to reset yourself when you find yourself going off the deep end so that you're not right. Playing and you know you're not your engine's not going to blow because I'd say the same thing to an athlete if you're not controlling your emotions. You're not able to relax. You can't reset yourself and now you're all wound up and now you're going to go try to play. It's Goingnna be terrible and then it's only going to get worse. So parents are not really. Any different I think the other thing I talk to athletes about and this is certainly something parents can be better at I just know from my general observation in the world is think about putting yourself in your kid's shoes being empathetic like think about when you were twelve years old would you want your mom or dad coming over yelling at you pointing at the coach like I know maybe they did it. But would you want that? No you were probably embarrassed as hell and like so if you didn't want it done to you. Why are you doing it to them. You know what I'm saying and I think parents are really not good at that. They're not yeah yeah.
36:44.30
Jeanine Mouchawar
So basic right? We forget do unto to others as we have done to you right? Just our basic concept. Yeah, having.
36:56.27
mvhuber
Yeah, and I I think but I think in that context too and you're right like the Golden rule. But at the same time I think there's this perception of we're the adults and they're the kids and and this is not to to disparage any grownups. But I think that there's a lack the way I view it personal. My personal opinion there tends. There can be not tends to be.. There can be a lack of respect for the person meaning the child is a person. Yes, they're a younger person but they're still a person are you showing them the respect that they deserve which is going to allow you to get through to them right. To to get your point across and cooperate if they feel like they're being disrespected or that they don't trust you forget it. It's It's not good. It's not gonna work. It's just not right? and so I think it's parents Really, you know a lot of us can be better at that. And and being able to help people through that's got to be really rewarding.
37:50.00
Jeanine Mouchawar
Oh yeah, absolutely yeah, so yeah I mean you touched on you know what I call coping skills right? So you ask yourself like what do I do to calm myself down like if I pet my dog will that calm me down if I listen to some music will that calm me down you know, meditate go for a walk.
38:04.59
mvhuber
And.
38:09.73
Jeanine Mouchawar
But to identify what works for you that feels calm. Um, and then of course there's the whole mindset work. But that's at a deeper level when you start realizing? Wow I can actually refocus my thoughts to a different perspective and it will help me feel.
38:23.20
mvhuber
And.
38:29.32
Jeanine Mouchawar
Better. Um, and then also I think the last thing you touched on um I like to I think a way that you can think about it as a parent that will also help calm your emotions down is my child hasn't learned this skill. Yet, right? and so how can I help them learn this versus they're bad. They're wrong. They're never going to do it. They're going to go off to college and you know not know how to do their laundry and you know they're going to be an alcoholic and right we tend to just.
38:51.27
mvhuber
Right.
39:03.96
mvhuber
Absolutely.
39:04.61
Jeanine Mouchawar
Project things out forever. But if we can't bring ourself back to ok like let's say they procrastinate then it's like okay they haven't learned the skill of not procrastinating yet. How can I help them build that.
39:15.69
mvhuber
Yet.
39:20.87
Jeanine Mouchawar
And when you switch your thoughts to that. It's much more calming so like coping skills like you mentioned and that mindset and mindfulness work.
39:31.48
mvhuber
Yeah, and and I think an element of that if I think about my own my own parenting ah element of that is is patience like knowing that sometimes they just grow out of this stuff right? like sometimes they just grow out of it or like with my son or my daughter like you know like. Okay, your their laundry's all over the floor and they need clean clothes now I could go in there scoop up the clothes and go wash them and fold them and put them in their in their um, you know in their drawer dresser or I could let him sit there and what I find now is. Do let him sit there and then all of a sudden I see a kid walking down the stairs of a laundry basket who says I really want clean laundry. So guess what? I'm gonna do it right now I had to sit and watch that laundry on the floor for weeks on end going like what is going on. There's driving me crazy. But now. I created the space for the kid to go oh you know what? I really want this laundry because now I'm 14 or 15 and it's important to me because I don't want to look like a slob right? whereas when he was 12 he didn't care right? So right? So sometimes they just grow out of it developmentally and parents I think a lot of times don't have those skills to be.
40:27.98
Jeanine Mouchawar
Um, or smell so good. So yes.
40:37.23
mvhuber
Mindful and patient and like just wait yet right? The power of yet I love that because I think it's It's such a simple. It's such a simple thing such a simple fix but to be patient in the moment and let things slide when you know you could fix them.
40:41.60
Jeanine Mouchawar
1
40:51.53
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, no I mean you really have to tap into tolerating discomfort I Think what's not easy, but if you can do it I mean look at your example, you helped your kid.
40:53.50
mvhuber
It's not an easy instinct to to hold back on.
40:59.92
mvhuber
Exactly your fond bread of the mark. Yeah.
41:10.90
Jeanine Mouchawar
Build the life skill of doing his laundry and taking care of himself and realizing gosh if I you know want to wear clean clothes to school and my my friends you know don't want my friends to make fun of me that I smell or I have dirty clothes I'm I'm going to do laundry and I would even add to that. Some. Kids might say hey can you help me right? So You also might be helping them build the skill of what you touched on earlier asking asking for help you have to give them opportunities to ask if you just do their laundry for them.
41:37.74
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
41:42.28
mvhuber
Yeah, right? yeah and then the something that just came up all you were saying that we were you know as we were talking is you know something I talked to athletes a lot about which is identity and for me like my identity personally is not wrapped up in the fact that my kids have.
41:45.15
Jeanine Mouchawar
There's never an opportunity for them to build that skill.
42:01.77
mvhuber
Clean, folded clothes put away but for a lot of parents. It is right for a lot of parents. It's like if I don't if my if this is not if I'm not doing this and my kid looks like a slob or my house is a mess or whatever. That's a reflection on them and it's like I'm not comfortable with that. And and that's fair because it's it is their identity being a good mom or dad is so important how we define ourselves really impacts the way we judge our performance as a parent and I think that that's a really hard thing to overcome too again because I think that's something we're taught right? you grow up and mom did your laundry and folded and put it the way now.
42:33.81
Jeanine Mouchawar
Is I pray and I think what I see parents struggle with in the beginning working with me is that their definition. What is their definition of a good parent and it tends to be these things you're talking about because.
42:38.80
mvhuber
Yeah I have to do the same thing.
42:49.14
mvhuber
Um, isn't.
42:53.21
Jeanine Mouchawar
That's how we were raised and yet if you slow down a little bit and you think about Well what do I want here like if I want to have a relationship with my child when they're an adult and for decades to come I have to have a connection and so. Then you like evaluate your parenting through the lens of is this creating a connection is this helping my child build a skill or is it not and you know, butting heads and arguing over Laundry. It's not.
43:30.26
mvhuber
You're right? So So I did want to touch on specifically you mentioned ah just a couple minutes ago college What are some of the issues you see with parents who are getting ready to send their kids off to college is it's something that you deal with specifically and what are some of the. Things that you see as being issues in that space.
43:48.25
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, yeah, that's that tends to be different issues. Um or evolving issues I do coach some parents who have college age kids I actually have a client who's got a a 26 year old. So it's all you know there's a range if we don't address these early on.
43:53.84
mvhuber
Is it.
44:01.00
mvhuber
Um, wow.
44:07.85
Jeanine Mouchawar
You know it's never too late to address it if you want a relationship with your child when for the all the years to come. It's never too late and so when you're referring specifically to college. Um, you know.
44:08.22
mvhuber
Katra.
44:22.97
Jeanine Mouchawar
I I would just offer that that senior year in high school when they're about to make the transition that you look for every possible opportunity where they can be independent right? There's you still have them for that last year and um. You're that's you're really looking to help them build whatever skills you possibly can I think the other really important thing is to establish if you haven't yet establish communication where.
44:47.50
mvhuber
Um, and.
44:57.88
Jeanine Mouchawar
They feel like you get them. You understand them and that they can come to you with anything and they're not going to get punished because once they head to college. It's pretty tough to punish them. You can't you know, see them anymore and they're going to do what they want. So at that.
45:12.13
mvhuber
Ah, yeah.
45:16.97
Jeanine Mouchawar
Point what you want to focus on is if they're in trouble if they're struggling I I want to be the phone call I Want to know right? I don't want them to spiral in anxiety or depression. And let it get out of control which we see is so prevalent these days right? You you want to convey to them that nothing you tell me nothing you come to me with is going to push me away from you or make me not love you. Um. Because at that point when they're heading to college you you what you want and I hope everybody wants in you know needs to be their safety net if things go haywire.
46:03.60
mvhuber
Yeah I love that I wrote that down you you want to be the phone call that you know you want to be the person that they call I think that that's like if that's if that's your goal right? And that's the goal you're trying to serve like I think that's amazing right? Like ultimately that shows that like they trust you.
46:19.25
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah.
46:20.40
mvhuber
Right? No matter what that they're not going to get judged or or punished when they need something that they truly believe that you have their best interest at Heart and I think if you frame everything through that lens that's a pretty good way to look at it.
46:30.95
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, and that you know trust that you talk about it does take time to evolve so you might show up and say this to your child but they might not be ready to really believe it until you've demonstrated it a number of times.
46:44.96
mvhuber
And.
46:50.81
Jeanine Mouchawar
But you know if you are a parent listening and you've got your kids going to college again. It's like never too late just realize I have very little control now that they go to college and really what I really want is I want to be that phone call if there's a problem a serious problem going on.
47:06.33
mvhuber
And.
47:10.10
Jeanine Mouchawar
And so I have the opportunity to help them and if that's your desire like it really was my desire and my client's desire then um, you know, just say it and communicate it and tell them that ok I'm realizing maybe in the past. I've parented more through rewards and punishments and punitive consequences. But I'm realizing today you're leaving the house in the fall and you know and I want you to know that you're going to be independent and I really just want to make sure you know you can always come to me.
47:30.96
mvhuber
Chart.
47:48.25
Jeanine Mouchawar
And you won't have ah any sort of negative consequence or punitive consequence.
47:49.82
mvhuber
That's great. That's great I mean you you've shared so much really so much valuable information over the last you know 45 or 50 minutes. So now as we wrap up I'm going to ask you to boil it down to one Point. You know which I'm sure will be difficult. So for the parents listening. What's the one piece of advice that you would sort of choose to lead with them here as we wrap up.
48:17.20
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yeah, yeah, like it's such a good question. 1 piece of advice is tough but I will offer um, what I think is probably the most impactful and that is no matter what age your child is whether they're a preteen teen a young adult. Is to lead in your conversations with compassionate curiosity.
48:40.30
mvhuber
Perfect Perfect I Love that That's a great piece of advice I think curiosity and compassion are things that really go a long way in terms of getting the outcomes that we want right? but it requires us to sort of see it a bit of control. So that's a great way to end.
48:58.20
Jeanine Mouchawar
Yes, thank you for having me. Um I do too I would love that it was so great talking to you and hopefully your audience.
48:59.79
mvhuber
Jeanine. Thank you so much for joining me here and sharing all this wonderful wisdom and I love talking about this stuff so it was great to have you on and maybe we can do it again soon.
49:15.33
mvhuber
Um, yeah, are.
49:15.37
Jeanine Mouchawar
Got walked away with some tips and um I love talking about teens and teen athletes as well. So thank you for having me I Really appreciate it take care.
49:23.70
mvhuber
Um, thank you. Thank you so much. Gene.