How is Annie Delre teaching young women the (stuff) she wishes she knew in high school?
Welcome to The Freshman Foundation® Podcast where we help young athletes BE READY for every next step in the game of life through mental performance coaching.
My guest in this episode is Annie Delre, board-certified health and wellness coach and author of the book, “Sh*t I Wish I knew in High School.” Annie’s inspiration for the book was sharing what she learned in high school with her younger twin sisters.
In Episode 74, Annie and I talk about the challenges that teenagers face - mainly young females - and how important it is to help them learn HOW to ask for help and WHO they can trust to ask.
So, what is your biggest takeaway from my conversation with Annie Delre?
My biggest takeaway is that it can be really hard for teenagers to express themselves openly. However, teaching them to do so is critical to their development, mental health, and overall well-being.
I want to thank Annie for joining me on the podcast. You can learn more about Annie on her website at https://www.anniedelre.com/ and on Instagram @coachanniedelre.
To learn how mental performance coaching can help young athletes BE READY for their next step in the game of life, visit https://michaelvhuber.com.
Please follow, like and comment on The Freshman Foundation YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@thefreshmanfoundation.
Thank you for listening. We’ll see you back soon for Episode 75.
00:00.92
Annie Delre
I Am great. How are you.
00:00.99
mvhuber
Hey Annie how are you I am doing great as well. Thanks for joining me on the podcast ah to get started I guess I'd ask you sort of talk a little bit about the work that you do.
00:13.44
Annie Delre
Sure and I'm a health and wellness coach I help people with their mental and physical health but I would say mostly mental health only because that's usually or it is the first step in the journey of good physical health. So.
00:22.26
mvhuber
M.
00:31.40
mvhuber
Yeah, absolutely okay, great. So we're both coaches and in a very similar space albeit maybe with you know, differing populations but I guess I want to ask you? You know you wrote you wrote a book. Ah that that's entitled.
00:32.77
Annie Delre
Yeah.
00:36.73
Annie Delre
And.
00:47.43
mvhuber
Shit I wish I knew in high school which is actually really incredible because I think there's a lot of things I wish I knew in high school that I know now. So can you talk about the inspiration for the book.
00:56.12
Annie Delre
Um, sure. Um, so I'm a jersey gal and my family's in Jersey ever. You know we I grew up there. They're still there and I moved to California and while in California my twin sisters. They started their freshman year of high school and I was I'm obsessed with my sisters let me say that too I'm obsessed with my sisters so I'm in California I'm so upset that I cannot teach them things you know for the most part not like every day and I wrote them a book I was like you know what.
01:26.88
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
01:31.17
Annie Delre
I'm totally writing a book for them and I whipped up a book and I went to staples and like printed it out. Um, and that's where it all started. This was ah 2019 I believe 2019
01:45.24
mvhuber
Um, what's so what's the age difference with your sisters. Oh Wow. Okay, okay, right are they still in high school.
01:49.80
Annie Delre
Um, I'm 12 years older than them. Yeah.
01:55.36
Annie Delre
Actually they just started community college which is exactly how I told them it would go to it.
01:58.73
mvhuber
Okay, yeah, yeah, and it's funny I was looking I was looking through your book and I saw that and I think it's so let's just talk about that I wasn't planning on focusing on that. But I really like that piece of advice because.
02:12.67
Annie Delre
Um, as you.
02:17.60
mvhuber
As a parent who's somebody who's been through 4 year college who's been through grad school one of the lessons that I've learned in general is like college is really expensive and like just going to college for the sake of going to college and not knowing what you want to do with the degree. It's a huge waste of time and money right? and so your advice to your sisters was go to community college like so go set the foundation and then go do whatever you want? So can you talk about that advice and how they've maybe how they followed it.
02:37.82
Annie Delre
Um, and.
02:50.14
Annie Delre
Sure, um, you really hit the nail in the head to the idea of why go if you don't have a focus like there has to be an end game and I think it's it's overwhelming for young people, especially if your parents or teachers are trying to push something and the urgency of picking a major. I had friends go to 4 years spend forty k for a semester and drop out because they realized they didn't even like that program and none of their credits would transfer so they just paid for $40000 to like be.
03:17.92
mvhuber
Um, yeah, right.
03:22.59
Annie Delre
Gender studies and I'm not talking crap about that degree I just mean if you don't know what you're doing with it and you're two weeks or your two semesters in and you realize actually I just like reading books about female empowerment but everyone pressured you your best friend had a major you know your boyfriend had a major.
03:26.28
mvhuber
Sure.
03:41.51
Annie Delre
People are going to these exciting schools. Um I feel like I'm getting a little off topic with this. Okay, okay.
03:45.69
mvhuber
Now you're good. You're good because I'm gonna tie it. But I'm gonna tie it back to to something else that you wrote about. So yeah I mean I think I think that kind of ties to the idea that you know talking about social media but just like comparison in general right? I think.
04:02.81
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
04:03.70
mvhuber
A lot of people make decisions based upon what they think other people will find to be impressive or important rather than doing what's best for them.
04:11.79
Annie Delre
Totally right, right? and and thinking that they have to niche down as opposed to every college student has to take basic courses. You absolutely have to take a math take an english take a foreign language take a science like you absolutely have to. So why spend like 10 k on a class. Ah I'm exaggerating but like thousands of dollars as opposed or on. Let's say 1500 per credit. These classes are 3 credits each 4 ah or pay for an $800 credit.
04:35.13
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
04:38.75
mvhuber
Sir.
04:45.24
mvhuber
Yeah, it's a huge financial difference and the fact is if you do well in community college you can transfer to any 4 year school probably with some level of financial assistance now I think that that's a conversation for a parent to have.
04:46.22
Annie Delre
Community college $700 credit
05:00.26
Annie Delre
Um, and very.
05:04.37
mvhuber
Well the young person because I think there's just this expectation that hey I'm going to go to a 4 year college I want to have the experience I want to go away I want to do all these things and go into community colleges and is sexy like I don't.
05:18.77
Annie Delre
Um, yeah, as.
05:20.00
mvhuber
Don't want to live at home for two more years I I don't want to drive my car to school I want to go have the experience like how did your like tell me about your sisters like what was ultimately how did they make their decision and sort of what did they see that what's the value in it like how did that go with your parents.
05:37.73
Annie Delre
Um, well the number 1 thing is our parents said they're not paying for school so that was a big thing if you're looking at loans and you realize wow it's $40000 a semester I didn't realize that sounded huge until I realized I'd be one hundred and twenty thousand dollars in debt minimum.
05:42.18
mvhuber
Um, okay.
05:53.99
Annie Delre
This is not including books this is not including the transportation. Um I think and I don't know this for a fact but I think they saw a success story in me and I don't mean that like I am amazing I I went to community college I worked like 4 jobs at a time i. Hustled my butt off I got into grad school I'm doing my dream career I'm not just doing a career that that allows me to like live life in a forward life I absolutely love my career I'm full of Joy Health and wealth and I don't mean.
06:20.16
mvhuber
Ah.
06:30.50
Annie Delre
6 figure coach. It's all about the money. What I mean is um I did a path that not many people would have taken because they think it's not cool or sexy used a great word but I still got to the end result and.
06:45.10
Annie Delre
I Don't have the death that other people do and other people paid a ton of money to be in a career. They hate.
06:48.55
mvhuber
Yeah, it's very very It's very very common. Yeah, and I but I think that's like I think it speaks to instant gratification right? This idea that you know we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna stick it out like before we really know right? We're gonna. We're going to go the the the the the cheap route right? We're going to go to community college because it's going to save us a lot of money and we don't really know what we want to do so why make that investment in something that's you know when you're 1819 I mean even if you go to school for a major that you think you're going to love and use like.
07:14.19
Annie Delre
And.
07:24.77
mvhuber
You still don't know for sure. So like why? why not try to like do it as economically as possible for you know, as long as you can until you really understand what it is that you want to do.
07:29.64
Annie Delre
A. Yes, yes, and I Also encourage people to get a job all in school doesn't mean work full Time. You don't have to do 4 jobs like I did but you need like and I mean this with Love Welcome to the real world Welcome to the real world you are going to have multiple responsibilities.
07:49.44
mvhuber
Um, we know okay matter.
07:53.30
Annie Delre
If your parents are able to forge your education. You don't have to work fantastic. But I feel like I'm the adult that excelled because of not getting things handed. Um, and I think that ah truly though, if your parents pay for it. Fantastic like that is awesome. They're really setting you up for success. But.
08:06.90
mvhuber
And.
08:12.76
Annie Delre
It speaks a lot to your character if you're able to say I'm still going to school. My parents aren't paying for it I invest in myself because I believe in myself That's what I would always say.
08:16.43
mvhuber
Well yeah, well I think I would even challenge I would challenge it and say that I think one of the things that parents feel the expectation to do is to pay for college without that.
08:28.34
Annie Delre
A.
08:34.73
mvhuber
Young person having an investment right in the in in in the process so they just go and they do whatever um they go and do whatever and then um, you know they're They're not invested in it and they let the.
08:43.71
Annie Delre
Um, do.
08:51.95
mvhuber
You know they they they go and they screw around and they they don't They don't do well in class because they don't They don't have any stake in it right? So like I think a lot of parents like think that they're doing the right thing by oh I'm gonna cover my my kid' you know college bill and they won't have any debt coming out and they'll be free and clear but like what are you really teaching them.
09:09.23
Annie Delre
E he.
09:10.32
mvhuber
Right? And I think that that's a struggle for a lot lot of parents. Um, one of the other things that you know you you talk about in the book that I'm really big on in the work that I do with young people is speaking up for yourself advocating for yourself and and recognizing that the adults in your life.
09:22.81
Annie Delre
U.
09:29.91
mvhuber
May not always know what's best for you or they're human and they um they may do things that aren't totally aligned with what they should be doing and that you need to recognize that and sort of stand up for yourself. Can you talk about.
09:32.15
Annie Delre
And then third human.
09:44.88
Annie Delre
Um, and then.
09:45.43
mvhuber
That and maybe what your experiences were in that respect.
09:49.60
Annie Delre
Sure, Um, it's this idea of power plays teachers saying things or principals saying things just to feel that power over children and the word is children. These things are children right? um.
10:00.86
mvhuber
Is bright.
10:05.56
Annie Delre
And you will learn this so that you can call out your bosses when they do inappropriate Behavior or adults in places that do inappropriate Behavior. So ah, for example, um, one at this. I I talk about this in the book. A boy was harassing me in front of a class he was telling me to go kill myself. No one liked me I was a blah blah blah Blah Blah blah and he was a football guy and a wrestling guy and the football slash wrestling coach was the person the gym teacher supervising the class. So He lets this boy tear into me front of a whole class I mean very abusive words and the teacher I Just walked out of the classroom like the teacher didn't stop it and I had to walk out of the classroom and remove myself and then go to guidance to tell them what happened but an adult in a situation when a boy or a girl is of. Mentally and verbally abusing someone as an adult it is up to you to stop this conversation to de-escalate this situation to report the man boy actually the boy who's doing this behavior so teachers like that. That's inappropriate they need to be reported.
11:04.26
mvhuber
Um.
11:17.68
Annie Delre
To say you're supposed to be protecting us and you're actively letting people abuse us and you're showing the entire class that it's fine and as far as I'm concerned, you're showing that it's okay if the football slash wrestlers. Do it like all of these things right? So that's just an example.
11:24.43
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
11:30.93
mvhuber
Um, yeah, Well yeah, and ah, yeah, and it's I think it's a pretty I think it's a pretty strong example. Um, and I think you know it's one where I think people who are listening would probably be like yeah like that makes complete sense I think. I Think for I think for me I think the the examples that are a little less obvious are the ones where it's similar in that the adults, the coaches even parents to a certain degree who have a vested interest right in a situation like that like I don't want to get this kid in trouble because he's one of my.
11:48.67
Annie Delre
Um, is.
12:05.85
Annie Delre
Um, yep.
12:08.26
mvhuber
Players and I'll just let it go like that applies in other ways right? like adults are are self-interested right? Even though they're supposed to be looking out for the best interest of the child they're going. They're they're actually looking out for their own best interests and from an integrity standpoint.
12:17.54
Annie Delre
Yes.
12:26.21
mvhuber
They may think they're doing the right thing but they're not really, they don't have a clear. They don't have clarity on what is the right thing to do so in that instance, young people have to learn how to stand up for themselves in a respectful way but to do to do things that they need to do to protect themselves.
12:33.88
Annie Delre
Um, and then.
12:43.44
mvhuber
And that's not always easy because we're raised to listen to adults right? We're raised to listen to people and you know they tell us what to do and we do it and so to speak up or to stand up to them and set boundaries is not the easiest thing in the world to do so like in doing that like how would you.
12:45.52
Annie Delre
Um, ah and.
12:59.12
Annie Delre
Um, in.
13:01.76
mvhuber
Suggest to your sisters right? say if they were in that situation. How do you set that boundary.
13:09.13
Annie Delre
Um, reporting and ah speaking up for yourself but also letting others know that you spoke up for yourself. So a lot of people aren't speaking up because they feel like they're the only 1 or um, yeah, they feel like as if they're the only ones or they don't want to be the squeaky wheel. But when other people vocalize this is messed up and I'm telling someone. That's why when people report things all of these other victims. Come forward because no one wanted to be the first. It wasn't until after I told girls about teachers hitting on me that multiple girls said oh they tried talking to me too.
13:34.72
mvhuber
Um, right? yeah.
13:44.91
Annie Delre
But no one brought it up until I did so um, just the idea of speak up other people are feeling this way even at another example, maybe if you're struggling with your mental health speak up. You're not the only one that has all these pressures.
13:59.66
mvhuber
Um, yeah, yeah I think setting examples is a very powerful way because I think one of the things I find really difficult whether it's mental health whether it's those kinds of situations where maybe we're being you know put into ah a compromised position.
14:08.40
Annie Delre
Um, did.
14:16.18
mvhuber
As young people we don't really know how to ask for help right? Like how do I come forward? How do I tell the truth knowing that maybe it's going to be looked at it's not going to be believed or you know.
14:31.65
Annie Delre
And.
14:34.60
mvhuber
It's going to be really uncomfortable for me to do that like how do I ask for help So like you know do you have any thoughts or suggestions for people on how they can get comfortable doing that when it may not necessarily be natural.
14:46.20
Annie Delre
So I think number 1 understanding, it's not going to be comfortable, right? Just accepting like this is going out of my comfort zone if it was comfortable I wouldn't care about doing it right? So number 1 is that and also asking the right people ask the guidance counselor.
14:50.72
mvhuber
That.
14:57.20
mvhuber
Right.
15:06.24
Annie Delre
Right? They are This is a person that is trained in mental Health make sure that you are going to the healthy adults in your life. Um, yeah like I I guess sharing with the right people.
15:08.20
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah.
15:20.10
mvhuber
Is.
15:22.70
Annie Delre
So writing about it on social media is one thing which which sometimes works out great because it gets more eyes on it. But also um, that's not enough right? like venting isn't enough but reporting. Is what makes changes. Yes.
15:39.77
mvhuber
Sure Yeah, and that could be really scary right? And and I think you I think you bring up a really good point right? like this idea of like who do we trust because in in your in your experiences right? like.
15:49.63
Annie Delre
There.
15:54.98
mvhuber
Those are people in your lives who theoretically right? We should be able to trust a teacher like these are people who who were supposed to be able to trust and then we find out that we can't which ultimately then leads us to question like who can we trust right? So like.
16:11.97
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
16:12.38
mvhuber
I Think that's a real problem right? So like like going to a guidance counselor. Hopefully that person I can trust them right because they're trained but like how do you just in general like how how did you learn to trust people or how did you learn how to make choices about. Who to let into your lives into your life with with important information or things that were private to you or things that were maybe going to create a problem like how did you learn to trust those people.
16:44.92
Annie Delre
That's a great question I don't want to say testing them. But I guess I would say sharing a little bit at a time and seeing what their reaction is or how they handle it. Um, so for example, if you're if you're.
16:51.61
mvhuber
Is.
17:01.70
Annie Delre
I don't want to say telling on but let's say you're telling on another kid to the guidance counselor to say I want to keep my name out of it but this and this happened these were said in my class I just want you to know right? Whether it was verbalized to you or not because I think it's just as important to report bad behavior. Even if it's not directed at you. So after you report this. Did that kid find out it was you because there's only 1 other person you told right or did that guidance counselor tell multiple people and then they told well the 1 thing you asked was the condition of please keep this private but I still want you to know this is happening.
17:22.90
mvhuber
Right.
17:33.33
mvhuber
Sure I mean I think that's great advice I Love that and I you know I I guess I guess I've you know I've used that strategy in my my own life at various times but I think for but I think for a young person That's really good advice right? It's like well.
17:47.32
Annie Delre
Um.
17:51.61
mvhuber
You know if you're going to share information. Do it in bits and pieces to say right? I think testing is is a is a is a great word right? Like let me see if this person is going to keep their promise to me or if they're going to use it against me or they're going to say something to the person who I said not to tell it to right.
18:08.66
Annie Delre
Yeah.
18:11.10
mvhuber
What's the consequence if they do.. It's not a big deal right? It would probably be in inconvenient to have to deal with the person that you you know went in and reported but at the same time.. It's not going to change your life right? So then you know like I can't go back to that person with important information because they're gonna they're They're not going to keep it confidential right. And and and I think you know I think that's a really good way because you know a lot of times I think it's all or nothing right? like I think we feel we either have to like not say anything about anybody. We're just going to keep it all to Ourselves. We're not going to get involved or we don't want to cause a star or we have to like blab everything and like just go all.
18:37.90
Annie Delre
Um, a.
18:50.30
mvhuber
All in and there's no in-betwe and that sort of speaks to the the concept of boundaries which you talk about like how do we set healthy boundaries with different people different types of people people. We know we can trust the ones we can't How do we say? no.
18:57.59
Annie Delre
Um, and.
19:05.66
mvhuber
That's a really hard skill like certainly one that I didn't learn till much later in life. Well Beyond high school. It took me a long long time to get comfortable with saying hey this is what I'm okay with this is what I'm not okay with and if you don't like it that's fine. But I'm going to set that boundary for myself like how how do you.
19:09.16
Annie Delre
Are.
19:24.50
mvhuber
How do you do it and how do you suggest Others do it.
19:28.70
Annie Delre
Um, what are the things that really helped me but again because I had sisters was what would I tell my sisters if this happened to them would I allow this to happen help would I allow this to happen to my sisters. But another thing that may be um.
19:41.76
mvhuber
Isn't.
19:45.39
Annie Delre
Siblings are a great 1 right? Even if you're close and age another one is how would I feel if they said this to my mom. How would I feel if my mom found this out about me. Ah for adults making decisions in your teens and 20 s of um, what would I want my future kid to know this about me.
19:53.72
mvhuber
The.
20:04.31
Annie Delre
So standing up for your best friend. You might be happy to report that to your kid but um, watching someone get beat up in front of you and not reporting it. You may live with that shame for a very long time these these are a bit of extreme examples but um, cheating you didn't call it out now this person's Val Victorian
20:15.42
mvhuber
Um, sure.
20:21.15
mvhuber
Right.
20:23.34
Annie Delre
Because they got straight a's because they were cheating the whole time and you worked your absolute butt off and now you missed out on 3 scholarships because you are not Valley Victorian when you could have reported them freshman year when you originally caught it. Um, and I I liked how you said like what's the worst case scenario um, ah used a similar phrase of that.
20:28.84
mvhuber
Um, yeah, yeah.
20:42.90
Annie Delre
And and that's another great lesson hey you did not die because of this you used your voice and it was uncomfortable but you didn't bleed or you did you know you didn't blank.
20:47.47
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
20:52.14
mvhuber
Sure, Yeah, no, but but but so I'll relate it to a conversation I have quite often with my clients who are who are athletes you know in that sort of adolescent college age range and when they have something on their mind or something's bothering them and. It has to do with a coach like I'll ask them like okay like you know what's the worst that's going to happen if you have this conversation and do you think you'd feel comfortable having it then they go have it. They go have the conversation which is difficult right? but.
21:21.69
Annie Delre
A.
21:30.26
mvhuber
But they come out of it and I ask them? Well, how do you feel and the the universal response I feel relieved maybe I didn't hear exactly what I want to hear but now I know right? and I know I can do it I can approach them and I know exactly where I stand and I think that that feeling of relief.
21:39.51
Annie Delre
Yes.
21:48.10
mvhuber
Is is is really valuable even if it's not exactly what you want to hear and and I think what happens a lot of times is that we're not. We don't know how to to approach that conversation I know you talk about like the idea of doing a brain dump right? like sort of writing down like.
21:52.78
Annie Delre
Um, and.
22:01.00
Annie Delre
Are.
22:04.79
mvhuber
You know all these things that are going on in your head and and I equate that to at some level journaling. They may be exactly the same thing but using your words on a piece of paper to start to like inch forward to coming forward to talk to somebody right? like.
22:12.35
Annie Delre
Um, death.
22:21.42
mvhuber
Stuff lives in our head. But if we put it onto paper that might be the next step to get us to go have a conversation because it doesn't seem so daunting or insurmountable or or unrealistic if we write it down. We get it outside of ourselves like can you talk about that idea of like.
22:34.26
Annie Delre
E.
22:37.69
mvhuber
Brain dumping or Journaling or how how someone might use that to to get themselves to a place where they might feel more comfortable having a conversation.
22:45.78
Annie Delre
Sure, um, so number 1 realizing. So yes, getting it all on paper whether this is writing in full sentences or bullet points or even like a picture but I recommend putting words to it. Um, and.
22:53.63
mvhuber
Sure.
23:02.13
Annie Delre
A lot of times we think oh no I have a hundred things wrong life is terrible. Oh my goodness. Nothing good is happening and you write this down and you realize actually there's 3 things that are really bugging me not a hundred I'm not a failure. Actually it's 3 things that are really bothering me. And if I looked at it a little closer one solution would fix all 3 of these problems but when you are freaking out in your head. It seems much much worse than it is so an example would be um I know a lot of athletes have this insane amount of pressure.
23:24.22
mvhuber
Then.
23:39.32
Annie Delre
They have this insane amount of pressure to go to school get their school work done be good students. Ah not only be an athlete but be the absolute best. So you can get scholarship money. You know like you have to be Mvp um, you have to be a standup citizen because ah, people are looking at you in that light.
23:47.30
mvhuber
And yeah.
23:58.53
Annie Delre
You have to be on more than one team right? like all of these things. Ah, potentially for the men I saw you have to have the prettiest girlfriend right? like you can't just date a geek. There's There's all these things that this extra extra pressure. It's so upsetting. Um, but anyway writing down.
24:00.81
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
24:16.47
Annie Delre
What you would want your coach parent slash teacher to know about your struggles a lot of athletes I find are scared to talk about it because they don't want. They don't want their um sport to be taken from them. They're afraid if they say this is too overwhelming that they're going to say well Sports is an extracurricular. When really at the end of the day. That's the only thing keeping them together.
24:37.68
mvhuber
Yeah,, that's a really I think that's really well said and I think it's right like I do think there is this absolutely this this elephant in the room with young athletes who don't feel like and this is men and women. Don't feel like they can ask for help that they feel like that they need to do everything themselves or if they come forward and say like hey I'm having a hard time struggling with this that it's going to create a perception that they're incompetent or weak or whatever right? So They keep it to themselves and I don't think that that's.
25:05.34
Annie Delre
Um, and.
25:09.79
Annie Delre
Um, yes.
25:13.59
mvhuber
I Mean that can be true I don't but I don't think it's necessarily as true as people believe it is in their own heads but to your point like putting it down onto paper and saying like hey like what are my struggles like what is giving me a hard time. What is the most challenging thing I'm dealing with and thinking about like hey like.
25:25.64
Annie Delre
Easy.
25:31.90
mvhuber
What's the worst that can happen I ask the question I like and like what can I do differently? those are 2 questions I really really like because the worst that's going to happen is probably not nearly as bad as what you're imagining in your head First of all, right second of all like what can I do differently right? Like what are the things that I can control to change the situation.
25:51.41
Annie Delre
And.
25:51.62
mvhuber
That'm man and I think that like that's little stuff that starts to move people in the direction of making change whereas I think when we're in our head We can't really wrap our head around. It's because your point like we think that like the absolute erst is yet to come and like if we let it out. It's like everything's going to come crashing down on us.
26:09.29
Annie Delre
Is it.
26:11.42
mvhuber
The flip side to what you said too. I think is really important is because I do think what you said is is true, right? There's probably only 1 or 2 really things that are really really bothering us, but it seems like a thousand because we're catastrophizing all this stuff in our head The flip side too is practicing gratitude right? Like what's going well in my life. Rather than focusing on all the bad and how do I fix it and how do I deal with it like what are the things that are actually going well for me that I'm ignoring because I'm taking them for granted or I'm just not wired that way like how do we practice gratitude like is that something that that resonates with you.
26:41.79
Annie Delre
Um, any.
26:46.40
Annie Delre
Oh a hundred percent I absolutely love gratitude and um I don't want to say a quick fix but something that I teach people especially if they're struggling with sleep is when you're lying in bed do a gratitude list in your head and fall asleep to that.
27:03.42
Annie Delre
It changes the game and and this gratitude list doesn't have to be I'm so grateful that I'm the president of my class. It could be I am so grateful that I am on a soft mattress I am so grateful that I live blank I am so grateful that I have a good like.
27:14.21
mvhuber
Laugh.
27:20.82
mvhuber
Is move.
27:21.23
Annie Delre
Mom Slash Sister Slash Coach Whatever it may be um, it doesn't have to be I'm so grateful that like I'm prom Queen it. It's actually I believe even better when you're able to have those gratitude for those small things.
27:34.72
mvhuber
Sorry, okay.
27:37.57
Annie Delre
And I tell Kline start with that. You have a warm bed that you're in a secure neighborhood or a safe neighborhood and that you have clean running water because for the most part people do have those top 3 at least here in America I should say for the most part.
27:46.65
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah, yeah, well I've listened and I think you know the more you the more you go through that exercise the more you have to be creative and think about the little things to be grateful for because I think the big things are obvious.
28:03.15
Annie Delre
Then.
28:04.91
mvhuber
Just take them for granted. But then when you start to do it every day you're like well I thought of that yesterday like what am I grateful for today like I woke up you know, like stuff that we totally take for granted or like I was I could brush my teeth or like all this stuff that's like not everybody has access to or things that keep us going.
28:12.17
Annie Delre
You and.
28:22.66
mvhuber
We just sort of we we assume them away and we focus on all our problems and all our challenges and all the threats to us and we just think like you know it's It's really and I find this with athletes because there are so many good things that they do that have allowed them to be successful and that have put them in such a good position. But they they they just push that all to the side and they say like hey what like what's wrong with me or what can I do differently or how do I fix this or like this is really um, ah, it's a struggle and like it takes them out of a place of confidence and puts them into a place of anxiety and they have control over that if they really really want to.
28:49.94
Annie Delre
Um, anything needed.
29:00.52
mvhuber
Shift their perspective so it it takes sometimes sometimes it takes a coach right? Whether it's somebody like you somebody like me doesn't really matter to sort of help them see the other side of it when they're you know they're they're sort of caught up in their own stuff.
29:14.68
Annie Delre
Definitely and that comes along with um, a support system a lot of times and I'm sure you've seen this right? There's the kids with the parents who is absolutely screaming at them every game telling them. They suck putting out everything and then you have the other parents who are just like good.
29:25.21
mvhuber
Absolutely.
29:31.40
mvhuber
There. Absolutely.
29:32.70
Annie Delre
Bound right? when normally no one would like recognize recognize a rebound or whatever or good hustle right? They just say these like little things but they're not persecuting them while they're on the field or wherever they may be so.
29:43.49
mvhuber
Sure.
29:46.71
Annie Delre
Um, is your coach someone who embarrasses you in front of the entire team often even though you gave it your all or is your coach saying this. This was a rough game. Yeah I you know I I So whatever it may be right.
29:57.35
mvhuber
Um, well right? And so so I think you've fited on a couple of really important things certain certainly things that are near and dear to my heart like I'm a big believer in like if you're the parent at the game or even the coach Frankly I mean listen coaches are coaching and sometimes I have to give criticism and I get that.
30:14.44
Annie Delre
Yeah.
30:15.99
mvhuber
But if you're a parent at a game right? like focus on the good and keep your mouth shut when there's a mistake versus you know, vice versa which is usually typical which is like you're always screaming out. Do something different. You screwed up or whatever and you you don't point out the the good stuff and the controllable stuff right? That's 1 thing.
30:33.42
Annie Delre
Um, was me.
30:34.46
mvhuber
But but to go back to what we were talking to before right? Whether it's and it's any adult right? like you can't control what comes out of the adult's mouth right? So so as a young person now you've got 2 choices right? You keep your mouth shut. You internalize the criticism.
30:46.94
Annie Delre
Um.
30:52.40
mvhuber
You You accept it You you you get suck accept embarrassment you you internalize it you you feel shame or can I draw a boundary with that coach. Maybe not in the moment right? where I'm starting an argument in front of everybody. But after the game can I walk into the coach's office and say hey coach like like.
30:57.58
Annie Delre
He did.
31:11.50
mvhuber
I Know you're trying to help or you're trying to coach me I get that but like it's not helping right? and I and I think that that's something That's really really hard for athletes but it can be done if you have the courage to go so have that conversation with the coach in a respectful way like hey this isn't helping.
31:16.83
Annie Delre
Um, is.
31:28.47
mvhuber
Like the way you're talking to me is only making it worse and you know what that that may be used against you but is it better than just sort of swallowing it all and and continuing to feel that shame and have it build up and feel that pressure of like well now if I don't play better. It's going to get worse and worse and worse.
31:31.98
Annie Delre
Um, you can need.
31:47.54
mvhuber
And I think it's really important to be able to 1 advocate for yourself to go back to what we talked about and two who am I surrounding myself with right? Some people I have to deal with I don't choose the coach I don't choose my parents but and I don't choose my teammates but who are the people that I'm accepting accepting into my life or going to find to bring into my life.
31:50.68
Annie Delre
Are you.
32:03.10
Annie Delre
Um, the successful.
32:07.53
mvhuber
Who are going to give me the support that I need and that's really hard because a lot of times we just accept Twos around us is those are the people that I need to to to you know, connect with when they're really not serving my best interests and I think we all go through that of like who are the people in my life that are going to prop me up that are going to fill my bucket right? like.
32:27.00
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
32:27.44
mvhuber
How do you? How do you find those people like what can you do to build a support network network that really is conducive to success.
32:37.25
Annie Delre
Um, well number one I teach them the quote of don't take criticism from anyone. You wouldn't go to for advice number 1 right? So that parent that's screaming at you not even your parent at the game. Another parent is screaming at you.
32:44.66
mvhuber
Great quote. Yeah.
32:54.49
Annie Delre
Would you ask them how to do this play better. Probably not. This is the parent that everyone cringes at um, same with a teacher who's mean to you? Um, where was I going. Okay so how to find the right support.
33:06.24
mvhuber
Yeah, no I love that but I think the quote I think the quote is right on point I'm gonna I'm gonna steal that because you're you're right? because you know even if they're right, They're adults like if you wouldn't go to them right? like if you know better than then.
33:13.00
Annie Delre
Take it.
33:22.39
mvhuber
Let it roll off your back. It doesn't mean anything because they don't know what they're talking about anyway. But it's just it's just not that simple sometimes right and I think young people need that reinforcement and the support to to have someone tell them? No, it's okay, it's okay to not worry about what somebody thinks about you and it takes frankly, it takes.
33:27.38
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
33:35.75
Annie Delre
This is.
33:41.32
Annie Delre
Yeah, yeah, and and just about the practice just like you were saying about I don't want to say calling out the coach but let's say after the game going to talk to them. Another thing I teach like yeah, younger adults is but this is a skill that will help you for.
33:42.35
mvhuber
Practice.
33:58.47
mvhuber
Yeah.
33:59.63
Annie Delre
Ever when your boss is not kind to you and is always yelling at you having that discussion of this isn't how I work best I don't know if this has worked for your employees in the past, but this is not working for me. It's not working for my mental health and I'm getting actually worse because of your leadership style.
34:13.92
mvhuber
Right? yeah.
34:19.50
Annie Delre
I've had clients talk to me. We've like done scripts together practicing and then they have that conversation and ah 1 boss broke out crying I was like this is how I was taught to manage I had no idea when it worked for people I had no idea you were embarrassed another cook another person called out like called out the person and they said.
34:21.53
mvhuber
Sure.
34:32.52
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
34:39.15
Annie Delre
For my culture you get rewarded for this behavior like being aggressive I didn't realize like this is my first year working in America I didn't realize that I was humiliating my team that's a big difference right? like.
34:49.79
mvhuber
Um, yeah yeah yeah ah yeah I spent many years in the corporate world and like recognizing other people's cultures and how they do things in 1 place might be different than than the other. But I I really what I really love is the idea that you're developing scripts with your clients right? and and and and one of the things that I will do is roleplay it with them right? Like what are what are you going to say what are you going to say when the response is x coming back to you right.
35:10.52
Annie Delre
Are guys.
35:24.54
mvhuber
Sort of playing it out so that you're prepared or at least have a sense of like hey how's this going to go because I think that's probably the biggest barrier to having those conversations is is that you are. You're imagining the worst and you're so anxious about it that you just don't do anything and you're just paralyzed versus hey let's work through this through.
35:31.20
Annie Delre
A.
35:43.35
mvhuber
Where you like hey let's play it out and like know what you're going to say and have ah a response to the objection. It's huge because a lot of times we just don't prepare for those conversations and when we don't if we do have them. They become so hyper emotional right? Which is you don't want to have a hyper emotional conversation with a coach or a boss.
36:02.39
Annie Delre
A.
36:02.92
mvhuber
Or even your parents because it's just not going to land the way that you want it to and now it looks like you're the one that is is not. You're you're not you know it's your fault because you're overreacting.
36:14.80
Annie Delre
Yes, yes, and then you get gaslighted Sometimes you're like no, my delivery wasn't wasn't that great but right because of the role-playing and another time I do I call it digging and I'll say and what's the worst thing that could happen if blank right? and they'll say it and I was like.
36:20.20
mvhuber
Um, right right.
36:34.16
Annie Delre
And and what's and um, why is that? What's the worst thing that could happen with that or blank and what's the worst thing if that happens and they get down to this little answer and they realize Wow I'm not going to die I know I keep saying that but I just mean like.
36:44.92
mvhuber
Go.
36:46.81
Annie Delre
Oh Wow I'm not going to get fired or Wow I'm not going to get suspended from school or Wow My significant other is not going to leave me because I had a difficult conversation with them.
36:53.67
mvhuber
Right? right? exactly? Yeah and I think that that's that's a great technique because I think it's to me it all comes back to the idea of keeping things in perspective right? It's really hard to keep perspective when it's when you're only in between.
37:05.98
Annie Delre
A.
37:13.31
mvhuber
2 years and when you're a young person. You don't have enough experience right? And in listen right? And even if you're an adult sometimes you don't have enough experience to like you still have that conversation with yourself. But when you're young, you really don't know right? You think that if I say this or I do this.
37:17.22
Annie Delre
Stephen Polo
37:27.36
Annie Delre
Can a.
37:32.68
mvhuber
Absolute worst thing is going to happen and it's just not true, but you maybe need some coaching or you need someone to make you realize and feel comfortable with the fact that if I hope go have this conversation. It's not going to be the end of the world and that I'm going to learn from it and I going things will probably even get better if I do it? um.
37:51.11
Annie Delre
Yeah.
37:52.29
mvhuber
So You know in in your in the book you talk about a few things that are near and dear to my heart ah Therapy meditation and breathing meditation and breathing are things that I do with clients for a variety of reasons and I I meditation particularly is a. Really a foundational part of any coaching relationship that I have because I just believe that it serves sort of to be the foundation but Therapy is something I've done myself personally I I don't practice therapy but I think it's really something important for people to do. Can you just talk about how those 3.
38:28.33
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
38:29.64
mvhuber
Those 3 things shape your work as a coach.
38:33.51
Annie Delre
Yeah, um I think in um, awareness building Awareness How is your body feeling and how is your mind feeling. Ah, big thing I Teach people is also the idea that meditation does not mean that you are shaving your head being a monk sitting on top of a mountain right? like and and that is people's first thought I can't sit with oh I'm not doing it right? I'm not doing it right? That's a big answer I tried it. I'm not doing it right? So What I say to people is.
38:49.67
mvhuber
Now.
39:01.99
Annie Delre
Let's let's do a mindset shift actual Lee when you catch yourself drifting. You are doing meditation that that is the point like congratulations and the idea is the more you build that awareness the longer your brain is able to let's say shut down. So um i. We we spend more time beating ourselves up as opposed to being in that acceptance phase which ideally we would spend most of our life in the accepted stage. The first time someone said the phrase to me it is what it is I swear to you I almost punched her across the face. And now that it's been a few years I totally get the phrase of it is what it is. You have to accept it. What is the next step.
39:41.71
mvhuber
Um, yeah, so yeah, and and so the way you articulated that is exactly how I is exactly how I explain it to my athletes because it's exactly. Ah, the reason why I I.
39:51.87
Annie Delre
Um.
39:58.89
mvhuber
Bring mindfulness to the table right? off the bat as sort of 1 of the first things we do is because you have to have the awareness and what ends up happening is when you're performing, you're playing and you make a mistake what ends up happening is you get so caught up in the mistake. It's distracting you from what's happening in the present moment. And how do I bring my mind back to the present moment and away from the distraction. So I could go out and be completely present for what's about to come and that's exactly what you're describing your mind is going to wander things are going to happen. You're gonna have thoughts coming into your head and you're goingnna you're gonna you're gonna drift. But once you catch yourself drifting.
40:17.27
Annie Delre
Um, if need.
40:36.13
mvhuber
You gotta come back because if you go with the drift now All these other mistakes are gonna happen because you're not being present about what's happening now and that's what being mindful is all about and I I get the same objections right? like I think you wrote in the book like you know like I'm not good at it which is like totally not.
40:47.66
Annie Delre
Um, and then.
40:54.70
mvhuber
It's not the point right? or the point is not to clear our mind completely from everything. It's It's to to recognize accept and then get back to where you want to be. It's such an important practice for all of us because our minds will take us wherever we want to go. It'll take us if we follow that path rather than just.
41:09.76
Annie Delre
Are the.
41:12.60
mvhuber
Accepting the fact that hey these thoughts are just thoughts. Hey let's come back to where we need to be which is reality right now.
41:19.93
Annie Delre
Yeah, right? Where do I need to be that's um, that's something that thing something that I I tell my clients about it first thing because I'm gonna call them out. So I say um, giving you this warning now coaching is forward movement. If you are to go into a two plus minute story about your past I'll gently interrupt you I'll say thanks for the background What did you learn from this because that is all that matters. We do not have a time machine. We are not going backwards in therapy. Sure unpack it heal it process it. But while we're in the coaching setting. We are only going forward. So let's talk about solutions. Not the problems.
41:58.10
mvhuber
Yeah I think that's really well said. Yeah, you know and I think coaching is is a challenging profession regardless of the context in which you do it because coaching really requires that the individual that your coaching has the motivation. To accept that and then the the the is is committed to doing the work to move themselves forward. There's only so much a coach can do right? We can lead you can lead the horse to water to use the saying.
42:21.15
Annie Delre
Um, and.
42:32.85
Annie Delre
Um, just water.
42:34.17
mvhuber
But you can't make it drink and that's what coaching is right? which can be frustrating as a coach because like you're giving them the information and the tools and and really like giving them the path to to get better and I think for a lot of time for a lot of people even though they want to get better.. It's uncomfortable and so they're not motivated enough to really like. Stick their neck out.
42:55.12
Annie Delre
Yep, that's exactly it and then gently having to tell them I don't think you're ready for coaching and I think it's unethical to take your money when you're not ready for coaching I will refer you to therapist because it's inappropriate. We are not gal pals getting lunch right? and.
43:04.27
mvhuber
Yeah.
43:10.53
Annie Delre
I have so much fun with my clients. You see how I am I laugh I have a great time but you're paying me as a coach. Not a gal palate Starbucks and not as a therapist. We are not doing talk therapy and just being and what I say to them is I respect you enough to tell you this.
43:24.86
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:28.69
Annie Delre
That's what it comes down to I respect you and love you enough Truly I Love you as a person and that's why I want you to get the right help.
43:36.77
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah, no I think that's ah, it's really well said and I think it's important and it's really challenging right? because I think people come into the process thinking that they're motivated and then they get into the process. And they're not as motivated as they thought they were it sounded like a good idea, but it's not they're not ready right? And if you're not ready to Change. You're not gonna you know and I think ethically you make a really good point right? If they're not ready to change like you're not going to take their money because they're not you know and it's not.. We're not doing any good.
43:56.37
Annie Delre
And.
44:11.14
mvhuber
Right? They have to be in it. So that's that's really really interesting. There's 1 more thing I I think I wanted to just sort of highlight because I and this is really selfish from my own perspective because I thought it was really interesting is the idea of forgiveness and being able to forgive.
44:12.73
Annie Delre
Um, engine.
44:17.50
Annie Delre
Okay.
44:28.70
Annie Delre
Um, oh oh.
44:30.59
mvhuber
Other people right? like so talk to me talk to me about that like what what inspired that particular section of the book.
44:40.92
Annie Delre
Um, I think I think one of the big things was I was a mean girl I was a mean girl in elementary middle school and high school and I would love if people forgave me for this bad behavior. Um.
44:56.73
Annie Delre
And also it does not serve you to hold onto that Anger. That's essentially what it is even if it's for like let's say a selfish reason to release that it is not serving you to be that angry at someone and realizing what if potentially I saw them on the worst day of their life. What if that is the worst thing they've done or like something like that of the idea of we're all humans.
45:19.84
mvhuber
Yeah, well so so I that resonates with me personally because I think there's a couple things that are really really important there too 1 is like you know so forgiving yourself right? like you, you were a mean girl. But. You don't have a time machine and you can't take it back right? So what are you going to do right? you you could forgive yourself for being a mean person. There was probably ah infinite reasons why you were the way you were and there's nothing you could do about it.
45:41.98
Annie Delre
Um, so.
45:53.81
mvhuber
Right? And maybe if you have access to those people that you were mean to could you make amends to them certainly that would be 1 way. The other way is to say hey like this is my life then I'm not the same person you know and and move on and not carry that guilt because that's not going to serve you either.
46:09.31
Annie Delre
Anything.
46:11.63
mvhuber
The the other the the side that you came from which is like 1 saying saying that I've learned in my life that I really love is like you know resentment is like drinking you know poison and expecting the other person to die right from it right? meaning like ah what's the point of me being. Angry or resentful towards this person that I feel like they've done me wrong. But I'm really I'm only killing I'm eating myself alive because I'm placing that blame on them that you know there's nothing I could do about it right? So like there's a lot in that because I think if I tie it back to the work that I do.
46:37.69
Annie Delre
Um, and community.
46:48.50
mvhuber
I Think Athletes have the hardest time for giving themselves. They're constantly beating themselves up I should have been better I should have done this I should have done that I made that Mistake. They're always focused on the negative and they just can't let it go and there's just this really? um, consistent element of perfectionism in the work. And then with the clients that I do in in the work that I do with them. That's really really confounding because I think a lot of it is just expectation that I'm always supposed to be perfect and I can't let it go rather than accepting that I'm human I made a mistake. What did I learn to use your words. What did I learn from it and how do I move forward.
47:23.97
Annie Delre
Yeah, definitely that idea of just constantly asking yourself. What did I learn from this I learned it made me uncomfortable. Okay, what did I learn from that. Well this is a boundary that was crossed I'm learning about my boundaries.
47:39.76
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah, so so I just like to close the loop on this because you know I think for me, um, working with males and females is very different.
47:42.97
Annie Delre
Egypt.
47:54.68
mvhuber
For a lot of reasons I mean I think there are there are biological reasons. There are social reasons. There's all sorts of reasons why boys and girls men and women are different particularly in the sporting context and I think one of the things you said is is probably part of it right? is this. Girls can be mean to each other and they are different than boys and like they take things hard so like what advice would you give to a a young like a teenage you know high school you know female Athlete Who's maybe in a situation where they are being. Treated poorly or they are feeling badly about themselves like what would the what would be the advice to them to settle themselves and and to create a better situation.
48:42.19
Annie Delre
Depending on the severity if you have to report them if you if you are scared to go to practice. You need to report this person like it's it is what it is. That's why there's grownups around that's why you're not 18 plus right.
48:43.39
mvhuber
Yeah, yeah. Will.
48:56.61
Annie Delre
Or if it's just um, if it's not to the point where it's like making you or it's just making you uncomfortable, um, calling out the bad behavior Hey you're not talking to me like that I don't accept you talking to me like that. It's unacceptable, right? like just flat out.
49:12.61
mvhuber
Ah, yeah.
49:15.40
Annie Delre
Putting that putting that BS to I mean I was mean but also I never let someone walk all over me which may be why I was considered mean as opposed to no, that's boundary setting that a young lady setting.
49:22.81
mvhuber
Um, yeah, well right? and I think it's a I think it's a fine line right? setting boundaries is important but it's also how how you do it right? How you say it.
49:36.68
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
49:37.33
mvhuber
You know, sometimes it's not what you say It's how you say it right? and I think that that's that's ah, that's something you learn I think in time we're not really taught that necessarily you know whether it's in school or at home a lot of times we we sort of model the behaviors that are taught to us which a lot of times. It's It's not you know ideal. And you have to learn over time that like hey I could set a boundary but I don't have to do it in a way where I'm screaming at somebody or cursing at them I could just be like hey you're not going to talk to me that way like I have respect for myself and you're going to have respect for me or if you don't That's fine. Just don't talk to me like but I think that's hard and I think you know.
50:02.55
Annie Delre
A.
50:15.60
mvhuber
We have to go through those experiences to learn so you know we're all. Ah we're all a work in progress and I think that's why coaches exist is people who want to make themselves better come to people like us to help and I think coaches like us need coaches ah too I know I know I know I do um so so with.
50:22.82
Annie Delre
Um, yeah.
50:30.91
Annie Delre
Ah, totally yeah and oh I'm sorry um, just for people who are looking for coaches or looking for therapists. Both fields ask them if they have their own coach or therapist and if they don't.
50:35.50
mvhuber
Go ahead? No no, no keep going.
50:46.47
Annie Delre
That's probably not a coach or therapist for you I think every coach should have a coach and every therapist should have a therapist.
50:49.75
mvhuber
Um, yeah.
50:52.41
mvhuber
Yeah, that's really good advice. So I mean typically I would I would ask the last question I would ask in a new podcast is like what's the 1 piece of advice. You'd leave for people but you kind of hit it you you hit it with the young you hit it with the young women right? like what's the the advice you'd give to them.
51:01.72
Annie Delre
Um.
51:04.96
Annie Delre
Yeah.
51:11.60
mvhuber
And then you know giving it advice in terms of choosing a coach or a therapist I think it's really good advice of hey if you're not if you're not walking the walk if you're not practicing what you preach then you're probably not the kind of person that I want to work with because I want someone who's working on themselves. So I think those are really good pieces of advice is that anything is there.
51:25.84
Annie Delre
To here.
51:30.85
mvhuber
Is there anything else. You'd want to leave with the listeners before we wrap it up.
51:34.48
Annie Delre
I Guess just spend your time focusing on what you can control and release what you can't control just the general message of that.
51:44.91
mvhuber
That's great because that's I'm always talking about that with my clients and I think it's it's so I the way I I say it to them is that sometimes it feels really elementary to think about that and go like whoa I I know what I can and can't control. But if you really think about it and you write it down and you're really aware of it. It's going to be much more valuable to you in those moments where your emotions start to get the best of you. So I think it's really good advice and so with that Annie thank you for coming onto the podcast I really enjoyed our conversation.
52:10.17
Annie Delre
Um, a.
52:16.23
mvhuber
And hopefully we can keep the conversation going. Thank you so much.
52:17.14
Annie Delre
Thank you Thanks for this opportunity.